Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jean!
Jean who?
Jeanius – you just dont recognise it!

A wise farmer never milks a bull.

Three men are in a hot air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon
somewhere.

One of the three men says, I have got an idea. We can call for help in this
canyon and the echo will carry our voices far. He leans over the basket and
yells out, Helllloooooo! Where are we?

They hear the echo several times. 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing
voice, Helllloooooo! You are lost!

One of the men says, That must have been a mathematician.

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, Why do you say that?

The man replies, For three reasons: 1) he took a long time to answer, 2) he was
absolutely correct, and 3) his answer was absolutely useless.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when were kids? If youre less than 10 years old, youre so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?…. Im four and a half ….Youre never 36 and a half….youre four and a half going on five!



Thats the key. You get into your teens, now they cant hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? Im gonna be 16. You could be 12, but youre gonna be 16.



And then the greatest day of your life happens….you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony….you BECOME 21…YES!!!



But then you turn 30….ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk….He TURNED, we had to throw him out. Theres no fun now.



Whats wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then youre PUSHING 40…..stay over there, its all slipping away……..



You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youre PUSHING 40, you REACH 50…..and your dreams are gone.



Then you MAKE IT to 60…..you didnt think youd make it!!!!



So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youre PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60……then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!



After that, its a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday…. You get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother wont even buy green bananas….its an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.



And it doesnt end there….into the 90s you start going backwards…. I was JUST 92…



Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again…. Im 100 and a half!!!!

This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of
the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the
corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood
back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a
coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla
bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his
shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the
air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick
out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would
copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the
lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through
the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally
beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After
hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.

What on earth happened? asked the zookeeper. I dont know said the man.
He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping
around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I
did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of
me. Well, no wonder!!! exclaimed the zookeeper. That, (pulls lower
eyelid down) means F… YOU in gorilla talk! Oh, said the man, not quite
satisfied.

He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping
bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping
around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he
grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them
into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the
gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute
of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the
man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it
between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and
whacked off the salami WHACK!!!

At this, the gorilla simply looked at the
man and pulled down his lower eyelid.

After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and goes to Heaven. Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the streets of gold. Thinking to himself: It would be interesting to compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state. he approaches Moses. Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way! Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise. A few hundred years pass, and George Bush again sees Moses walking the streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses notices him. George asks: Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state with you. Moses replies: Well, the last time I spoke to a Bush, I wound up spending 40 years in the wilderness!

** How can a pregnant woman tell that shes carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

** How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

** How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!

How many sorority girls does it take to change a tire?



Two – One to call daddy and the other to make a t-shirt about the event.

To see what was on the other side.