Old and New Jokes

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the mans testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the it with an onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

Hows your sex life? the doctor asked.

Pretty good, but Ive had some strange side effects.

Like what? the doctor asked anxiously.

Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.

Heres one for you…what do men and linoleum have in common?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Q: Why is Bill Clintons economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasnt got a prayer.

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!



The blonde replies, No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!



By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we didnt have that as a prize!



Again the blonde says, No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!



The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.

It was a yankey and him and some buds were going ice fishing so they go and come back and one of his co-workers asked how his fishing trip whent the yank replied we did not get to fish it took us all day to drill out a hole big enough for the boat.

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.Finally, the drunk replied, No use knockin, mate, theres no paper in this one either.

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant. When they get the socket to hold still, they cant find it.

Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.