Old and New Jokes

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, NOOO..! Whats the matter? asked the wife, Did I hurt you?

No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.

Va un niñito de cuatro años a una tienda y le dice al vendedor:

Señod, ¿me da un condón, pod favod?

El vendedor no puede creer lo que oye y pregunta:

Perdón… ¿qué me pediste?

Y el niñito:

Un condoncito, pod favod.

El hombre atónito le dice:

Pero, ¿para qué quieres tu un condón?

Y el niñito:

Pada amarradme ed zapatito…

A pissed-off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar.

Ok, he shouted, Whos the son of a bitch that painted my horses balls red?
At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down.

He said, I did asshole. What have you got to say about that?

Oh, said the cowboy. I just thought Id let you know… hes ready for his second coat.

Your kids cant go out for Hollween because theres nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your stuff (cars, trucks building materials).

Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

If you receive an email entitled Bad times, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.



This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GODS SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!



It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.



If the Bad times message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows; it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.



*WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN*



NB And if you dont send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds youll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite onto the person nearest you.



Send to everyone.



(In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.)

Santa had asked Banta to help him out with the deck after work,
so Banta just went straight over to Santas place. When they got to
the door, Santa went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Banta told Santa that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Santa said that hed started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldnt be better. Banta thought hed give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Banta was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, This is the worst day of my life. First, little chintu fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!

While undressing for bed one night, ol Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.

Alarmed, he thinks, I cant let Hillary see this!, and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.



Doc, he says, Ive got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?



The doctor says, Well, Im not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and well try something else.



Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didnt help.



So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if its not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.



So he goes back to his doctor and asks, What next?



The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.



Bill goes back in a week and says, Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?



The doctor replied, Lipstick remover.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Berlin!
Berlin who?
Berlin the water for my hard boiled eggs!

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station. When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take care or that. The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, let me go around back, and Ill fix the overweight problem. The scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I dont understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. Im sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man…

1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, its cute.

3. Why dont we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. Its OK, well work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no… a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, itll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this wont take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. Its a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.