Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chesterfield!
Chesterfield who?
Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him!

Its not true that oysters make good aphrodisiacs. I tried a dozen once and
only six of them worked!

You smell so bad, you make Right Guard turn left.. you make Secret obvious..you make Speed Stick slow down… and you get Sure confused.

Q: What do you call 2 blacks in a golden sleeping bag?

A: Twix

A
teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will
be left? She calls on little Johnny.
None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.
The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but
I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I
have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting
on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The
third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well
I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and
sucked the cone.
The correct answer is the one with the wedding
ring on…but I like your thinking.

Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.

There was these three kids and there mother.They decided to bake a cake. The older son came in and pored bbs in the cake mix on accident. After the cake was done they ate it right up. 1 hour later the 1st little boy came to his mom and said mom I pee-peed out bbs.But she did not know what he was talking about. Then here came the 2nd little boy and he done the same thing. Then the third boy came in crying. His mom said whats the problem, he said when I was outside jacking off I shot the neighbors dog.

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. Not bad, said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. Wow, thats colder than mine! said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT.

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that Im a deck of cards!

Psychiatrist: Sit over there and Ill deal with you later!