Old and New Jokes

My daughter Louise says: (nwod esion taht nruT) If the religious fundies
are so worried about (trohs oot si triks tahT) Satanic backward masked
messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) dont
they make up their own books, pop records, television programmes
(kcolco net erofeb ereh kcab eB) and Usenet jokes and put their own
backward (dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them?

Things Dogs Must Remember…



I will not play tug-of-war with Dads underwear when hes on the toilet.



The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.



I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when Im lying under the coffee table.



I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.



I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.



I will not eat the cats food, before or after they eat it.



I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.



I will not throw up in the car.



I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.



I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.



Kitty box crunchies are not food.



I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.



The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.



I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.



I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.



I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.



When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining outside.



We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.



I will not steal my Moms underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.



The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dads laps.



My head does not belong in the refrigerator.



I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for Moms drivers license and car registration.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Max!
Max who?
Max no difference. Open the door!

Q: Why didnt the math student get the new car?
A: Because he couldnt find anybody to cosine.

Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Prussia!
Prussia who?
Prussia cooker!

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

One turns in screws…

The other screws interns!

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
youre just sitting there, staring at carpeting?