Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here. Make it a good one.
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives! Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.
Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to piss in the boat.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
You might be a redneck if you high school fight song was Dueling Banjos!
Posted in Redneck |
La prostituta novata acaba de terminar su primer trabajo. Cuando bajó a la calle, las demás veteranas se juntaron a su alrededor para oÃr los detalles.
Era un marinero musculoso y muy guapo, cuenta la chica.
¿Y qué servicio querÃa?, corean las otras.
Bueno, le dije que una acostada le salÃa en 500 pesos, pero dijo que no traÃa tanto dinero, asà que le dije que una mamada le costarÃa 200 pesos, pero me contestó que tampoco traÃa esa cantidad. Finalmente le pregunté que cuanto traÃa, y me dijo que sólo traÃa 100 pesos, de modo que le dije que por ese dinero todo lo que le podÃa hacer era un trabajo manual. Él estuvo de acuerdo y después de que me dio el dinero, puse manos a la obra: él se sacó el pito y le puse la mano derecha encima. Entonces, le puse la izquierda encima de la otra… ¡Oh, Dios mÃo!, suspiró la novata. Hizo una pausa y entornando los ojitos continuó: Entonces puse la derecha encima de la izquierda…
¡Jesús!, exclamaron todas. ¿Y luego qué hiciste?
¡Le presté 400 pesos!
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
He turned his life around.
He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now hes miserable and depressed.
Posted in One Liners |
A few weeks late, but oh well!
Twas the night before school started!
Twas the night before school started
When all through the town
The parents were cheering.
It was a riotous sound.
By eight the kids were washed
And tucked into bed
When memories of homework
Filled them with dread
New pencils, new folders,
New notebooks, too,
New teachers, new friends-
Their anxiety grew.
The parents just giggled
When they learned of this fright
And shouted, Upstairs!
GO TO BED! ITS A SCHOOL NIGHT!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A
drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat
down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered
priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the
man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in
a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,
the drunk replied, "No use knockin, mate, theres
no paper in this one either."
Posted in Religious |
El primer dÃa, el nuevo gerente de una empresa transnacional llama al comedor y ordena de mal modo:
¡Quiero inmediatamente un café americano, en taza, sin azúcar y dos rebanadas de pan tostado con mantequilla, pero ya!
Del otro lado se escucha:
Estúpido, se equivocó de extensión. ¿Sabe acaso adónde llamó, pendejo?
El gerente titubeando responde:
N-no…
¡Al presidente de la empresa, idiota!
Aturdido, el gerente piensa unos segundos y contesta:
¿Y tú sabes quién te está hablando pedazo de idiota?
¡No!
Menos mal, ¡imbécil!
Y cuelga inmediatamente.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge
Posted in Love and marriage |
Every time Timmys mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear.
One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
Gee, its mighty dark in here, Timmy said.
Yes, it sure is, replied the boyfriend.
You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks? asked Timmy.
No way, kid. Youre crazy, said the boyfriend.
Ill scream, said Timmy.
So the boyfriend forked over the money.
The next time Timmys grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books.
Where did you get the money for all those things? she asked, but Timmy wouldnt tell her.
Well, if you wont tell me, youll have to go to confession and tell the priest, said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.
As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, Gee, its mighty dark in here.
Are you going to start that shit again? the priest replied.
Posted in Foul Language |