Old and New Jokes

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

Una pareja de novios está besándose en el cine; de repente, la chica le reclama al novio:

¡No me pases el chicle, Federico!

Confundido, el chico se defiende:

Es que tengo gripa.

A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says.

Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.

Oh, thats terrible! says the man. How long have I got?

Ten, the doctor says sadly.

Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

Nine…

Eight…

Seven…

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant

Q: How many Tory MPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Im sorry I cant tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked
off!

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from a nearby town was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.



Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had

snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.



The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire departments work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.



A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. That should be obvious, responded the captain. The first thing were gonna do is get them damn brakes fixed on that there fire truck.

Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

A man goes to the doctor complaining of terrible headaches. The doctor examines him and says I can see your problem,your balls are pushing against your spine, hence the headaches. The man feels releived the problem is so simple, until the doctor tells him that the only cure his to have his balls chopped off. Reluctantly he agrees, and a few weeks later comes out of hospital feeling very depressed. To cheer himself up he decides to buy himself some new clothes. As he walks into the shop the assistant asks him if he would like some new shoes. The man replies yes and without asking the assistant brings the man the correct size pair off shoes. The man is perplexed by this so the shopkeeper explains that he can gauge his shoe size by experience alone. The assistant then asks the man if he would like a new shirt, and once again brings him a shirt with the right collar size without asking. Amazed; the man is asked if he would like some new underwear, the shop assistant brings him a pair of briefs with a waist size of 32 inches. The man laughs and says, Aha I knew I would catch you out, I have been a size 30 inch waist for the past 5 years The shop keeper replies No sir that is far too tight, they will push your balls against your spine and give you terrible headaches!