Old and New Jokes

Q: What are raging hormones?
A: Thats the sound an angry prostitute makes.

– Sparky

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am?

The man says, Yep, sure do.

Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me?

The man says, Nope, sure aint.

Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me?

The man says, Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbis family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.

The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbis pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. Having children is an act of God!

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..

Point of information – snow and rain are also acts of God, but we wear rubbers!

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maura!
Maura who?
The Maura the merrier!

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into Americas Most Wanted.

You own more than two clappers.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible!, the priest exclaimed, Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

– Hide the food stamps under the soap.

What did they call the first Chinese test tube baby?

– No Fun Son