Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked Women and the other marked Men. He took the path assigned to men.
There were two more paths, one marked Married Men, the other Unmarried Men. Because Albert had been married he took the corresponding path and then came upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses; the other gate read Men Who Were Not Dominated By Their Spouses. The first gate had an endless line of chaps waiting, but only one little guy stood before the second gate.
Albert found this very interesting, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, Why are you standing at this gate, a little guy like you?
The smallish fellow replied, I have not any clue. My wife told me to stand here.
The Perfect Day According To…
HER
8:45 – Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 – 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 – Light breakfast
11:00 – Sunbathe
12:30 – Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 – Shopping
2:30 – Run into husbands ex – notice shes gained 30lbs.
3:00 – Facial, massage, nap
7:30 – Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 – Make love
11:30 – Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 – Wake up
10:02 – SEX
10:10 – Big Breakfast
11:30 – Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 – Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 – SEX
3:25 – Play sports with the guys
4:30 – Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 – Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 – SEX
6:50 – Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 – Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 – Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 – Sleep
2:30 – Fart
I download something from Napster and the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when Im done.
I message him and say: What are you doing? I just got that from you!!!
Getting my song back you fucker!
A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.
A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains hes off to Glasgow on his honeymoon.
His friend asks, And just where is your wife.
Shes seen Glasgow. the groom replied.
An eskimo in heat.
There is this good ol barber in some city in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies, I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service.
The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You card and a dozen roses waiting at his doorstep. A cop goes for a haircut next and when he goes to pay the barber, the latter replies, I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service.
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting at his doorstep. An Indian software engineer goes for a haircut after that and while paying, the barber tells him, I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service.
The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there!
A dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut!
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
To prove he wasnt a chicken.
THE BODY PARTS MEETING
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:
The brain said I do all the thinking so Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The eyes said I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The hands said: Without me we wouldnt be able to pick anything up or move anything. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The stomach said: I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, wed starve. So Im the most important and I should be in charge.
The legs said: Without me we wouldnt be able to move anywhere. Im the most important and I should be in charge.
Then the rectum said: I think I should be in charge. All the rest of the parts said: YOU?!! You dont do anything! Youre not as important as we are, surely! You cant be in charge!
So the rectum closed up… After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldnt take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story? You dont have to be the most important to be in charge…. just an asshole!