Old and New Jokes

Heres one for you…what do men and linoleum have in common?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Q: Why is Bill Clintons economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasnt got a prayer.

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!



The blonde replies, No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!



By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we didnt have that as a prize!



Again the blonde says, No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!



The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.

It was a yankey and him and some buds were going ice fishing so they go and come back and one of his co-workers asked how his fishing trip whent the yank replied we did not get to fish it took us all day to drill out a hole big enough for the boat.

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.Finally, the drunk replied, No use knockin, mate, theres no paper in this one either.

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant. When they get the socket to hold still, they cant find it.

Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for a time and then asked, … Is it on or off?

Q. What do you call a sperm bank inside of a castle?

A. Kingdom Cum