Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month.You paint flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called Billy Joe BobYou refer to Klingons as CrittersYou refer to Photon Torpedoes as PopgunsYou have the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.You install a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.You say Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing frequencies.You hang fuzzy dice over the view screen.You rewire your communicator into your belt buckle.You keep a six-pack under your command chair and a gun rack above it.You say Yee-Ha! instead of Engage
You have a hand-tooled holster for your phaser.You insist on calling your executive officer Bubba.You set the fore view screen to reruns of Bassmaster.You program the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.You paint the starship John Deere green.You refer to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special.You refer to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp.Your moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.Your idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overallsYou set phaser to Cajun.
Manolo se encuentra a un amigo en una plaza y le dice:
Me he ganado 300 dólares, en un concurso de adivinanzas, y como yo soy tan bueno para eso…
No me digas! Te apuesto 60 dólares a que no me adivinas esto: ¿Qué cosa comienza por U, termina en O y siempre anda en el suelo?
¡No sé, toma tu dinero!
La respuesta era: Un zapato.
Está bien, pero te apuesto otros 60 dólares a que te adivino otra.
Bueno: ¿Qué cosa comienza con D, termina en S y siempre anda por el suelo?
¡Toma tu maldito dinero! ¡No sé!
Dos zapatos, jejeje. Pero mira, no me quiero aprovechar de tu inocencia, adivÃname esta y te devolveré tu dinero, si no, deberás darme 120 dólares.
De acuerdo.
¿Qué cosa es ovalada, tiene una clara y una yema, lo ponen las gallinas, lo comes frito en el desayuno, comienza por H y termina en O?
Esta sà no me la ganas. ¡Tres zapatos!
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life –until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies…nothing… only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, Where did you come from? How did you get here?
I rowed from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.
Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.
Oh, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.
But, but, thats impossible, stutters Ed. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?
Oh, that was no problem, replies the woman. On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. Ed is stunned. Lets row over to my place, she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?
No, no, thank you. he says, still dazed. Cant take any more coconut juice. Its not coconut juice, the woman replies. How about a Pina Colada?
Tr
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.
Oh, No! she said but Saint Peter said not to worry hed make it easy.
Who was Gods son? said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, Andy!
Thats interesting. . . What made you say that? said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing: Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me. . .
Two guys are out hunting and the one stops to take a pee and while he has his penis out he gets bit on the head of his penis by a snake.
The other hunter takes out his cell phone to call his family doctor to ask what he should do for his friend.
The doctor replies, make a small incision between the two fang marks and suck the poison out and then take him to the hospital for further treatment.
The hunter that was bitten asked his friend what the doctor said and the other hunter replied youre gonna die.
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?
The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.
The man said, OK, Ill try to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing,, know how to make them truly happy.
The genie said, Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?
A group of Surds were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and theyre falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.
A passer-by comes along and sees what theyre trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the Surds and walks away.
After the person has gone, one Surd turns to another and laughs. What a nut, were looking for the height and he gives us the length.
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win.An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. What happened? they asked.Well, said Moishe, first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
I got this off of another mailing list, and though you do have to be somewhat familiar with Depeche Modes music in order to fully appreciate this, I thought I would forward it anyway…
-Dan Aeschliman
Statement of Thesis
(sung to the tune of Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus)
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something of might
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something youll spite
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
Cause you just write crap
Dont forget your bluebook
The proctors give you dirty looks
Taking the test
Of issues addressed
Things on your chest
They cant be repressed
I will be prudent
Im only a student
Reach out and touch page
Reach out and touch page
Your own statement of thesis…
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
Cause you just write crap
Dont forget your bluebook
The proctors give you dirty looks
I will be prudent
Im only a student
Reach out and touch page
Your own statement of thesis
Reach out and touch page
-Chuckles