A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.



After the first day, the boys parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.



For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.



The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red A under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their sons room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.



Was it the nuns that did it?, the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, No.



Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?



No.



The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?



Nope, said the son. On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the plus sign, I just knew they meant business!

OK, lets consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earths surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Why didnt JFK Jr take a shower before be left for the Vineyard?
He said hed wash up on shore.

Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
Their motto is Your luggage will arrive before you do!

What do Kennedys miss most about Marthas Vineyard?
The runway.

How did JFK Jr learn to fly?
Crash course.

How are the Kennedy’s like oil?
They dont mix well with water.

Why arent there more JFK Jr jokes out there?
They just havent surfaced yet.

30 things people actually said in court

Question

1. Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Question

2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

Question

3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory

A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

Question

4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: 38 or 35, I cant remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: 45 years

Question

5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said Where am I, Cathy? Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.

Question

6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximatly milepost

499. Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and

500.

Question

7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Question

8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Question

9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do. Q: Voodoo?

A: We do. Q: You do?

A: Yes, Voodoo.

Question

10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes sir Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Question

11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Question

12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Question

13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Question

14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Question

15. Q: Did he kill you?

Question

16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Question

17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Question

18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Question

19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?

Question

20. Q: She had three children right?

A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?

A: none. Q: Were there any girls?

Question

21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Question

22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Question

23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Question

24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Question

25. Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?

Question

26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Question

27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?

A: Oral

Question

28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Question

29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Question

30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Prince Charles admitted to been a Star Trek fan. My thought: Isnt that unusual that a 50 year old man with no job living with his mother is a fan.

In the front yard of a funeral home, Drive carefully, well wait.

On an electricians truck, Let us remove your shorts.

Outside a radiator repair shop, Best place in town to take a leak.

In a non-smoking area, If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a maternity room door, Push, Push, Push.

On a front door, Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

At an optometrists office, If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.

On a taxidermists window, We really know our stuff.

On a butchers window, Let me meat your needs.

On a butchers window, You can beat our prices, but you cant beat our meat.

On a fence, Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

At a car dealership, The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop, No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

In a dry cleaners emporium, Drop your pants here.

On a desk in a reception room, We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

In a veterinarians waiting room, Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company, We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

In a Beauty Shop, Dye now!

In a Beauty Shop, We curl up and Dye for you.

On the side of a garbage truck, Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Inside a bowling alley, Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

In a cafeteria, Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

A guy just died and hes at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, You know, I cant see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED – youre in.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leaders chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! Youre all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!

St. Peter, impressed, says, Really? When did this happen?

Oh, about two minutes ago.

Worf: Captain, there are three Romulan warships
uncloaking dead ahead.
Picard: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
only a single pixel wide.]
Picard: Data, whats wrong here?
Data: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have
sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I
suggest that you select a lower resolution?
Picard: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
Invaders.]
Picard: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
Data: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of
light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
Worf: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
Picard: Shields up!
Data: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Picard: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is
*important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
Data: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Laforge: Allow me, captain. [to Data]
Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
floor.]
Data: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to
close this communications channel which is not responding. You will
lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Datas left ear.]
Picard: Shields…
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
from Wesley Crushers station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
from the console.]
Picard: Up, Data!
Data: Aye, sir.
Riker: All decks, damage report!
Worf: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He
appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]
Data: Shields are now up, captain.
Picard: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
Worf: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the
weapons console.]
Picard: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for
evasive action.
Data: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the
proper device driver installed for that console.
Picard: Well, damn it, install the right one.
Data: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
nostril.
Picard: Number One, where do we keep Datas setup
implants?
Riker: I left them with Geordi.
Laforge: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought
you still had them!
Picard: Data, dont you have device drivers stored
in your internal memory?
Data: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant
#1 in my right nostril.
Picard: Data, I dont *have* Setup Implant #1.
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
Picard: Abort!
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
Picard: Well, fail, then!
Data: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
from somewhere else in the ship.]
Laforge: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
Picard: Number One, do we have a customer service
number for Data?
Riker: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call
them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to
anyone. And that person wasnt knowledgeable about androids of Datas
model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a
few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
console, absolutely motionless.]
Picard: Whats going on?
Laforge: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant
Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine
core.
Picard: These androids look really sharp, but you
cant really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
Ferengi, appears moments later.]
Ferengi: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest
you in a Macintosh ?

1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

2) I dont have a license to kill. I have a learners permit.

3) I wasnt born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

4) Keep honking while I reload.

5) Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot, either!

6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, its an amusement park.

8) EARTH FIRST! Well stripmine the other planets later.

9) Your child may be an honor student but youre still an idiot.

10) If you drink, dont park. Accidents cause people.

11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

13) My wife complains I never listen to her…or something like that.

14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!

15) If we are what we eat; Im cheap, fast, and easy.

16) Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect them!