Old and New Jokes

Yo mamma is so fat when she fell she made the grand canyon.

A blonde went to a hair dressers one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off. The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blondes hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard…breath in…breath out…breath in…breath out…!

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says, This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

No, says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class.

Un señor llega borracho a su casa a las cuatro de la mañana, y como no tenía llave se dirigió al patio de su casa. De repente ve que el perro de su casa tiene un lorito muerto en la boca, y el tipo dice:

¡Dios mío!, si es el lorito de la señora del lado.

Al señor le dio pena y puso al lorito en la jaula de la vecina y se acuesta a dormir. Al otro día se despierta y ve que su esposa está llorando y le pregunta:

¿Amor, por qué estas llorando?

Y le dice su esposa:

Es que se murió la vecina del lado.

Cómo va a ser, si ayer la vi bien y en perfectas condiciones.

Y le dice la esposa:

Es que le dio un infarto esta mañana. Porque ayer había enterrado al lorito que se le murió y se le apareció en la jaula esta mañana.

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached…

Tis better to have loved and lost….than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative…she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. – Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. – Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled – Eh, I didnt care for some of her habits…I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house….

What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, theres a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when its over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husbands calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesnt seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wifes lawyer? Compared with the lawyers demands, Husseins are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shitheads.

How do you catch a polar bear?

You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.



For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen — or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.



He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.



As she arrived at the beach, he asked, Where did you come from, how did you get here?



She said, I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank



Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?



It is only me, she said. Would you like to row over to my place?



They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.



The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm

tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. Its not much, she said, but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?



No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke.



It wont be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.



You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.



After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.



Tell me, she purred, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? She moved closer

to him. Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?



Yes there is, now that you mention it, the man replied, moving closer to her. Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldnt . . . run around naked.



Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.



Strike while the . . . bug is close.



Its always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.



Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.



You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?



Dont bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.



No news is . . . impossible.



A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.



You cant teach an old dog . . . math.



If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.



Love all, trust . . . me.



The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.



An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.



Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.



Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.



A penny saved is . . . not much.



Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.



None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.



Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.



If at first you dont succeed . . . get new batteries.



You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.



When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.



There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex therapists A stream of urologists

How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it wont work!