Old and New Jokes

Anchorage, Alaska, requested an exemption from an Environmental Protection Agency rule requiring cities to remove at least 30 percent of organic waste from incoming sewage before treating it. Officials pointed out that the city had so little organic waste to begin with that its sewage before treatment than most cities sewage after treatment. The EPA, nevertheless, insisted that the city comply with the rule, forcing it to have to pay fish processors to dump unused fish parts into city sewers so there would be enough organic waste to remove.

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde? Her mother replied, Of couse it is, dear. The next day, the blonde said, I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?Her mother replied, Of course it is dear! The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, I have a larger chest then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde? Her mother replied, No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

Heres a chance for you men to find out how compassionate and sensitive you are to women. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, thats the way the game is played.



Simple Duties



You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up. (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty. (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom. (-2)

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings. (+5)

But return with beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and its something. (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron. (+10)

Its her father. (-10)





Social Engagements



You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy. (-2)

Named Tiffany. (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer. (-6)

Tiffany has implants. (-8)



Her Birthday



You take her out to dinner. (0)

You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar. (+1)

It is a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)





A Night Out With The Boys



And the pal is happily married. (-4)

Or frighteningly single. (-7)

And he drives a Mustang. (-10)

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED). (-15)





A Night Out



You take her to a movie. (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

Its called Death Cop 3. (-3)

Which features cyborgs having sex. (-9)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)





Your Physique



You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say I dont give a damn because you have one too. (-800)





The Big Question



She asks, Do I look fat?. (-5)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, Where? (-35)





Communication



When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes. (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+10)

She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep. (-20)







Scoring



Start with 50 points and add your score to it. If you ended up with +15 then your score would be 65 for the 65th percentile. If you got -15 then your score would be 35 for the 35th percentile.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gertie!
Gertie who!
Gertie laundry!

I heard this joke from a Czech explaining how the new leadership in
Czechoslovakia was selected. I have modified this for an American
audience.

Everyone wondered how Reagan picked Bush for VP in the first place.
Well, this is the story: Reagan knew he had to make a choice; so
he asked Nancy how he should do this. Nancy told him that he should
ask the potential candidates a riddle and see how they do. She gave
Reagan a riddle to use.

So, the next day, Reagan goes to Bush and says, Who is it who is your
fathers son, but not your brother? Bush replies, Golly gee, Mr. Reagan,
Thats difficult. Ill need to go and think about that one for a while.
In the evening Bush returns and happily shouts, I got it, Ron! I figured
it out! Its me! Its me!

Reagan than goes and presents the same riddle to one of the others
(maybe Connelly, maybe Ford) and says, Who is it who is your fathers
son, but not your brother? Thats a tough one Mr. Reagan. Ill
get back to you on that. And in the evening he returns and says,
I couldnt figure that one out. Who is it?

Reagan answers, Its George Bush, but Im not exactly sure why.

Jeff Goldberg

A group of soldiers began digging foxholes for pending war games. Two privates working side by side dug their holes to standard depth.

A third man, a corporal, dug his foxhole so deep that only his shovel tip was visible as he ejected the dirt. Curiosity got the best of the two privates. When their sergeant passed by, one spoke up. Um, sergeant, sir, can you tell us whats with the corporal? He seems to have gotten carried away.

Oh, hell be okay in a few minutes, the sergeant said. He suffers from corporal tunnel syndrome.

There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inches.

So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared.

Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said Well if it wasnt for my 10 inch dick wed all be dead.

The American says Na, if it wasnt for my 8 inch dick then wed all be dead.

Then the Irishman says If I didnt have a hard on, wed all be dead.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A patient was waiting in a pre-op room for his vasectomy. A nurse walked
in, lifted his robes, and gave him a blow job. The patient exclaimed:
Hey, that was great, but why? The nurse responded: The doctor likes
your tubes to be flushed prior to the operation. As the patient was being
wheeled into the operating room, he noticed other patients masturbating.
He asked the attendant why they were doing this. The attendent replied
that they, too, were about to have vasectomies. The patient then inquired
why he got a blow job, while they had to masturbate. Simple, said the
attendant. They have HMO, while you have Blue Cross.

Paul Blumstein

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower.

I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonalds and think its the best place in the world to eat.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didnt bother you, because you didnt know what you didnt know, and you didnt care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I dont know what should make me upset.

I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality. I want to be six again.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I dont know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing.

I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me.

I want to be naive enough to think that if Im happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass Im looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the car.

I want to wonder what Ill do when I grow up and what Ill be, who Ill be and not worry about what Ill do if this doesnt work out. I want that time back.

I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowmans mouth.

I want to be six again.

[Thanks to BS Pyle & Marc Whitney]