Old and New Jokes

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. 

Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned and said there still had been no talking. 

I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint.  This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened. Still no luck? asked the store owner.

No. Nothing said yet, answered the birds owner. Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop. What? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner.  All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk? 

Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies, Well, Ill go get you one.

Wife says, But, youll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies, No I wont; what do you want?

Wife says, Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hubby replies, Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, Ill remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, What took you so long, did you get lost.

The hubby replies, No, and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says, I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hubby says, What do you mean – every thing is there?

To which the wife replies, No, its not…look, you forgot the pickles!

Un borracho que caminaba se tropezaba con todos los postes de la vereda y un transeúnte le dice:

Pero, ¿qué está haciendo?

¿Puede contar cuántos chichones tengo?

12 chichones.

Entonces me faltan 2 postes para llegar a mi casa.

A doctor, an architect and a polotician were arguing over the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor said it was his job because Eve was created from Adams rib, a surgical procedure.



The architect said it was his job because before that there was chaos and the world was made from this chaos with an architect.



Then the polotician said And who do you think caused all this chaos?

You mamma is so fat . . .

Her high school graduation photo was an aerial photograph.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a
long grey beard.

Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?

Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay
a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese
tortures known to man.

OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and
had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well,
as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the
old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a
night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old
man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large
rock on chest.

Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then
I dont have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he
did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock
tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he
jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that
read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A DICTATOR!!

Mother Teresa is walking around Heaven one day as she notices Princess Diana passing by. What a lovely woman, Mother Teresa thought, doing all those wonderful things for the sick and starving of our world. As Princess Diana passes by, Mother Teresa notices that Dianas halo is much bigger than that of her own. I had dedicated my entire life on earth to those sick and hungry, and her halo is bigger than mine?! So, Mother Teresa decides to go find St. Peter and ask him about her problem.



Upon hearing the problem, St. Peter smiles a little and reassures Mother Teresa that,Its not a halo; thats the steering wheel.

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldnt sleep.

I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned — The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.



Tossing and turning with anticipation……

The thought of a snack became infatuation…..

So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.



I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!



I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky….

With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell as I sored past the trees…….



HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!



PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!

Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.