Old and New Jokes

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

What does Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit. So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you. The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed. The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him You almost had it! Why did you laugh?? The second replies, I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples.

A guy was fishing in lake near Philadelphia .Sudently he catches a small fish . He felt sorry for it an threw it into the lake .Later , when he went back home and told his wife what he did she said :It doesnt matter honey , I will buy one some from the surpermarket

So she did and then he washed the dishes !

Due to budget cuts….the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that hes the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

It was in the mid of the seventh century. Before going on a cruisade the Count put on a special kind of moral-belt on his wife. It had a built-in guillotine that automatically would neutralize anything wanting to get into the noble part of her.

Three years later, he returned to his grounds. As he first spotted the people there, he noticed that something had happened while he had been away on the seas. He suspected, but didnt like the thought, that something dealing with his wife had occured.

So, he called all men of the village and told them to line up at the main square, where he ordered them to take off their pants. Horrified, he saw that the guillotine of his had been exceptionally efficient. There wasnt any man left in the village that could do a mans work.

But – there was one small guy, beside them all, that seemed to be all fine. The Count, surpressing his disappointment, approached him and said in a sad voice: So, you were the only one I could trust?

The guy opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but not a word came out of his mouth.

The Count was surprised: What is it? Why arent you talking to me? Have you lost your tongue…

Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The stages of golf are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

Dont play with anyone who would question a 7.

Its as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, its always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think youre doing wrong is the one thing youre doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

Never take lessons from your father.

Never teach golf to your wife.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

Its surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitation on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

Its not a gimme if youre still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

The rough will be mown tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a 2 inch branch 90%of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right, for right handers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, its probably because youre not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you cant learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.

Youve ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.



2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.



3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power wash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective.



6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.



8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.



Sincerely,

The DOG