Old and New Jokes

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you dont believe me.

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, Is everything in your establishment really gold?

Yes, he replied, everything is gold colored.

Even the urinal? she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.

If men ruled the world would be different

– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.

– Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

– Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the bum would pretty much do it.

– Birth control could come in ale or lager.

– The funniest guy in the office would get to be the big boss.

– Sorry Im late, I got hammered last night, would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

– Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

– Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

– Tanks would be far easier to rent.

– Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, Youre No. 1.

– Valentines Day would be moved to February 29.

– Cops would be broadcast live and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

– The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

– The only show opposite Friday Night Football would be Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.

– Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

– When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in:

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

You: All I know is that I was spilling my beer all over the place.

Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.

Dos enanos viejos y solteros, que nunca en su vida habían tenido relaciones sexuales, deciden ir con unas prostitutas a un hotel y hospedarse en habitaciones contiguas.

A la mañana siguiente se encuentran:

¿Cómo te fue anoche?

Mal, nunca se me pudo parar y no pude tener sexo con ella. ¿Y a ti cómo te fue?

A mí me fue peor…

Lo has de decir para que no me sienta mal, porque yo oí como rechinaba tu cama y, además, te escuchabas agitado.

No es lo que tú crees: ¡En toda la noche no pude subirme a la cama!

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

I cant grant your wishes, explained the freed spirit, But Ill
give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a
very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By
tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly
asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

Yes, she replied. Its been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon
drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came
saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball
stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie
tonight.

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar cant jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? Theyre clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentaly pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. Whats a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him Im a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. Its been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but dont tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one way ticket to the U.S. space station, where Ill watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and Ill laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. Im not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepte …. oh… what? Were still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh… WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

Colvards Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it wont.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says Wow, cool lighter…where did you get it?

A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.

Great, can I try it?

Sure.

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. You are granted one wish says the genie.

The guy says, I want a million bucks!

Done says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

I cant believe this, says the guy who had just placed his wish, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!

The second guy then says, Do you really think I wished for a 12 Bic?

Una señora divorciada enviaba todos los meses a su hijo a que le pidiera la mensualidad a su ex-marido. El señor cae en la cuenta de que el muchacho ya había cumplido 18 años, y decide que ya no le daría nada. El joven llegó, como de costumbre, y el tipo le suelta:

Dile a tu madre que ya cumpliste 18 años, y que ya no tengo ninguna obligación de mantenerte. Y que cómo la ve desde ahí.

El mozuelo va con su madre y le cuenta lo que dijo el hombre, finalizando la información así:

… y por último me dijo: Y que cómo la ve desde ahí.

Regresa y dile a ese viejo que gracias por los 18 años que te mantuvo, y que él no es tu padre y que cómo la ve desde ahí.

Youd never be expected to make the coffee.
Thered be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
Buy one big black belt and youd be accessorized for life.
Thered be no reason to have your colors done.
Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you werent.
Should people suggest your belly jiggled … when you laughed … like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
Youd always work in sensible footwear.
Thered be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone whos boss.
You wouldnt need to buy an expensive briefcase.
No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
Youd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
No more trips to the vending machine … youd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
Youd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
Youd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
Age discrimination wouldnt be an issue.
Youd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
No one would ask to see your job description.
Your co-workers would be on notice that theyd better not pout.