Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.

President Clinton is shaking hands with the voters after being elected for the second time.

Pleased to meet you, says one old man, Ive heard a lot about you in the past few years.

Clinton laughs: You cant prove any of it!

It was Palm Sunday, and the familys 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, People held them over Jesus head as he walked by.

Wouldnt you know it, the boy fumed. The one Sunday I dont go to church, and Jesus shows up!

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: I need a cigarette.

But honey, his lover says. The store closes in two minutes. Youll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.



Thats okay, He quipps. Ill just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, Ill pretend Im a statue.



So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.



The first nun walks over to the young man. Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.



The second nun strolls over. What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young mans ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.



The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young mans ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and suprise. Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpses rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing, On the road again…just cant wait to get on the road again…

The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. Look at this, this is really something, the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. On the road again…just cant wait to get on the road again…

So what? the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the students discovery.

But isnt that the most amazing thing youve ever seen? asked the student.

Are you kidding? replied the Examiner, Any asshole can sing country music!

Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?

Because if they all went it would be hell!

A couple was going out for an evening on the town. When they are almost ready to go, the wife told her husband not to forget to put out the cat. However, after the taxi arrived and as they went out the door, the cat darted back in the house.Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they were out, the husband went back inside to get the cat as the wife went and got into the cab. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out, explained to the cab driver, Hes just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother.A short time later the husband came down and got into the cab. He said, Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her out!

Whats the definition of a teenager?
Gods punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Whats the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, theres shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen-just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Blondie told her friend, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It wont work and you cant fire it.

Im so depressed … I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writhing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about a will. He said, Will, what will? Im making a list of people Im gonna bite.

The quandry of dogs and other quadrapeds.

Condsidering that a crotch is the place between which a pair of legs meet: Does a dog have two crotches? Surely he does not have four armpits, or even two arm pits and a crotch, because dogs have four legs.