CS Rep: LOVE Technical Support.

Customer: Im not very technical, but I think I can do it if you talk me through. I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: It depends. What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see … I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs will prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I dont know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, Im done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should see a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed now?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops … I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS. What does that mean?

CS Rep: Dont worry, thats a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to LOVE your own machine before it can LOVE others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called SELF-ACCEPTANCE?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: Youre welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves into my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go …

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help

Jeffrey S. Davis, author

Javelin JV Planning

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and answer this door!
!

Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They dont like to share the spotlight.

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

Are you my doctor? he asked.

Yes, I am.

The baby said Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.

He looked at his mother and asked, Are you my mother?

Yes, I am, she said.

Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born he said. He then looked at his father and asked Are you my father?

Yes, I am, his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying I want you to know that THAT HURTS!

Una mujer está fornicando con su amante cuando llega el marido. Rápidamente, la señora le pide al tipo que se comporte como un pintor; éste toma un recipiente y se coloca en una pared simulando ser pintor.

¿Qué pasa aquí?, pregunta el esposo al entrar al cuarto.

Mi amor, ¿te acuerdas que yo te dije que iba a pintar el cuarto?

Sí, pero ¿y este tipo por qué está desnudo?

Es que yo soy un pintor tan pobre, que me quito la ropa para no ensuciarla.

Consternado, el esposo dirige la vista pintor, pero repara en que éste tiene el miembro erecto.

Óigame, ¿y por qué eso está erecto?, reclama el hombre.

¿Y dónde cree usted que yo coloco el recipiente de pintura?

Im Glad Im A Woman



Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

Hugh Downs Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 – When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 – When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 – Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 – Apply Rule 1.

Biermans Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you cant cover all the what ifs. (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved what ifs. (3) Every resolved what if creates two unresolved what ifs.