This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, I want to kill my wife.
Im sorry Sir, the pharmacist replied, but you will have to understand under such circumstances I cant sell you any Cyanide.
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist blushes and replies, I am sorry Sir, I didnt realize you had a prescription.
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
I cant, says the woman. Thats the only night Im home with my husband!
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened
to be the captains turn to write in the ships log so he wrote :
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain
argued that once an entry was made in the companys log it couldnt be
deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mates turn to write in the log, he
wrote:
The captain was sober today.
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O.J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEERS GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHARTS GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICAS MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMANS BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER – by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one Worlds Shortest book……
1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION – by Bill Clinton
(From the author of The Usenet Penis Length Survey)
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.
I said, WHAT?? So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Im thinking, What was her first clue?
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I dont think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesnt even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, Im ready to go, lets go to the cash register.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No, honey. I dont feel like buying all this stuff now. You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Why couldnt the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two-tired.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Xavier!
Xavier who?
Xavier your breath, Im not leaving!
Tres exploradores se internaron en lo más profundo de la selva. Al tercer dÃa fueron capturados por una tribu, que acostumbraba fabricar canoas con la piel de sus vÃctimas.
El jefe de la tribu les dice a los prisioneros que pueden pedir un último deseo. El primero, buscando ganar el mayor tiempo posible, le dice que quiere enviar un email a su esposa. El jefe sonrÃe y lo invita a su choza y le muestra una computadora último modelo. Veinte minutos más tarde la piel del prisionero está secándose al sol en espera de ser convertida en una canoa.
El segundo se exprime el cerebro y dice que le gustarÃa tocar la luna antes de morir. El jefe manda a dos personas al museo más cercano. Dos dÃas después regresan en sus canoas con un pedazo de roca de la luna. Media hora más tarde la piel del pobre prisionero es tendida cuidadosamente en espera de convertirse en una canoa.
El tercer prisionero pide un tenedor. El jefe se muestra extrañado, pero accede a su última voluntad. Entonces el prisionero grita: Miren lo que hago con su puta canoa. Y comienza a clavarse el tenedor por todo el cuerpo.