Old and New Jokes

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

1.-ENFERMEDAD: Está prohibido enfermarse, si usted tiene tiempo para ir al doctor y descansar, también tiene tiempo para trabajar.

2.-MUERTE DE ALGÚN PARIENTE: Sólo se permite si se muere un domingo o día festivo.

3.-MUERTE PROPIA: Está permitida con la condición de que avise dos semanas antes de su defunción para tener tiempo de contratar a un empleado que lo sustituya

4.-BODA: ¡Quédese soltero! Si usted tiene tiempo para casarse, tiene tiempo para trabajar.

5.-DERECHOS: Usted tiene derecho de ir a dormir a su casa todos los días.

6.-VACACIONES: Son las 4 semanas de vacaciones de su jefe.

7.-BODAS O BAUTIZOS DE SUS FAMILIARES: Están prohibidas, si usted tiene tiempo de ir a ellas, tiene tiempo de trabajar.

8.-HORAS EXTRAS: Con nosotros no existen,usted siempre las está trabajando.

9.-REPORTAR UN DELITO: Si usted es asaltado,¡no se queje! Si usted tiene tiempo como para ir a denunciar el delito, también tendrá tiempo para trabajar.

10.-ACCIDENTES: Se permiten sólo si no duran más de 5 minutos.

There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by their boss to put the mule in the barn.

When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mules ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.



They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told him the mules ears were too long to go into the barn, the boss said:



Why dont you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in



The two half smarts looked at each other and said We told you his ears are too long, not his feet !

Bernie was invited to his friends home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered – To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

[Note – a few years old, and a search didnt reveal either a copyright or an
attribution. Earliest claim I could find was dated Aug 1993 by
drow@mindvox.phantom.com – ed]

AD&D Monster Manual IV

Barney

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little childrens minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil

NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8 tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000

Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out
small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.

Combat: Barney will normally attack with its two great paws, each
inflicting
1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a
saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged
next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim
or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a Power word I love you once every three rounds.
Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror
for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or
be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barneys commands
with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each
day that a child is in Barneys control they may be taught another lesson by
Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat
reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies
follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold
coins on Barney merchandise.
Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any
individual within 20 must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point
of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the
ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the
rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make
spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent
with their own insipid personalities.

Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on
the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane
and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly
surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops,
which they may use as +2 maces in combat.

I bought that truck new.
I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.
I was just helping that sheep get over the fence.

Smarties
Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
The size of our footballs fields and one less down.
Baseball is Canadian
Lacrosse is Canadian
Hockey is Canadian
Basketball is Canadian
Apple pie is Canadian
Mr. Dress-up vs. Mr. Rogers
Tim Hortons vs. Dunkin Donuts
In the war of 1812, which was started by Americans, Canadians pushed the Americans WAY back … past the White House. Then we burned it … and most of Washington. All of this was done under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied … go figure!
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
Our civil war was only a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept-in and missed the whole thing … but showed up just in time to get caught.
We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown American in under 3 minutes.
We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
We dont marry our kin-folk.
Kentucky Fried Chicken founder, Colonel Harland Saunders abandoned the USA and came North to retire in Canada (Mississauga, Ontario).
We may say eh a lot but we know how to pronounce ROOF!!!
We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT! … The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.

The Brunette says I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex.

The Redhead replied I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex.

Then the Blond says hesterically Oh my God, I am going to have puppies.

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, Weve got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in. There was a stony silence for a second or two.

Do you know who you are speaking to?

No, said Paddy.

It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.

Well, do you know who you are talking to?

No, roared the colonel.

Well thank goodness for that, said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

If your porch collapses and kills more than 7 dogs. You just might be a redneck.