Old and New Jokes

Lunes: Dieta del cucurucho: comer poco y follar mucho.

Martes: Dieta de Guido: igual que el cucurucho pero más seguido.

Miércoles: Dieta de Andrés: un polvito al derecho y otro al revés.

Jueves: Dieta de Benito: comer bien y echarse un polvito.

Viernes: Dieta de la granada: a la mañana un polvo y a la noche una gran mamada.

Sábado: Dieta de mingo: meterla el sábado y no sacarla hasta el domingo.

Domingo: Día libre, follar sin límite.

NOTA: Cualquier menú se puede reemplazar por la dieta del capataz: comenzar por delante y terminar por detrás.

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.



Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a mens clothing store and thought, Thats what I need, a new suit.



He entered the shop and told the salesman, Id like a new suit. The salesman eyed him briefly and said, Lets see, size 44 long? Joe laughed, Thats right, how did you know?. Its my job. replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, How about a new shirt? Joe thought for a moment and then said, Sure!. The salesman eyed Joe then said, Lets see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.. Joe was surprised, Thats right, how did you know?. Its my job. came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, How about new shoes?. Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joes feet and said, Lets see, nine-and-a-half? Joe was astonished, Thats right, how did you know?. Its my job. said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, How about some new underwear? Joe thought for a second and said, Sure, why not. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joes waist and said, Lets see, size 36. Joe laughed smugly, No, Ive worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.



The shocked salesman shook his head, You cant possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, I think its WOOMB.



The second replied, No, it must be WOOOOMBH.



The third said, You both have it wrong — its WOOM.



The fourth stated, No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.



At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, Look, you hayseeds, its WOMB. Thats it, thats all there is to it. Then she left.



Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, Well, I dont know. A slip of a girl like that, I dont see how she could know. Ill bet shes never even heard an elephant fart!

In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the mans mouth.

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,

exclaiming, I didnt know I had one of THOSE!

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes

get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt

tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of

the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthors evil plot, then run full

force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your

shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim

Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. Then let the

blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then

return to your side, whistling the tune Its a Small World After All.

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next

stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will

cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the

bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks

in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to

knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had

some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your

stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person

showering.

10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the

duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.

Scoutmaster: Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?

Tenderfoot: Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that its the only time he hears someone tell him, Wow, thats a big one!

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, Why are you here?



The Schnauzer responds, Im 17 years old. I dont see or hear very well. Ive been having accidents in the house. My owner says Im too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The Schnauzer asks the poodle, Why are you here?



The Poodle responds, Ive not been myself lately. Ive been especially high strung. Ive been barking all the time, Ive been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbors kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he cant risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.



The Great Dane responds, My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know Im on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldnt help myself.



The Poodle asks, So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?



The Great Dane says, No, Im just here to get my nails trimmed.

Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.


Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.


Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.


Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.


Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.


Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.


Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.


Do not leave unit unattended in public places.


Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.


Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.


Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.


Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.


Unit is delivered “as is” and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.


Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the unit.


Hardware upgrades may be applied later in the life of the unit, but are discouraged.


When unit malfunctions, a hard reboot may be performed by applying moderate force to the units rear panel. This will disrupt the unit’s improper behavior but will not cause permanent harm to the unit. This may actually extend the life of the unit and ensure unit behaves as desired in later years. This practice should be performed as often as unit malfunctions.


Unit may later exhibit desire to permanently mark or drill its case. This should be discouraged by the operator.


Unit may require periodic maintenance. The use of lubricants, disinfectants, powders, and other consumable supplies is encouraged to keep unit functioning.


Unit may suffer an air build up after fueling. To expel this air, gentle taps should be applied to unit’s upper rear case until all air is expelled. Continuing to tap after expulsion of trapped air may result in sudden fuel expulsion.


Unit will periodically expel byproducts. As much as operator may wish to discuss the properties of these byproducts with others, the practice is discouraged.


Those desiring orders of multiple units should seek the care of a certified mental health professional.

Copyright Dan Kidder, 2004

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they werent mine.



His second friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasnt mine.



Paddy says: I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. No Im serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.