A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, You say youve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem? The wife replies, Its my husband — hes driving me crazy! Im going to leave him if he continues!
How does he drive you crazy? For 20 years, she says, hes been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, hes always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. Its very embarrassing. The marriage counselor is amused, Anything else?
He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public! Hmm, anything else? The wife hesitates, whenever were making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, Id like to be in control! Ah, says the counselor, I think Ill talk to your husband now. So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, Your wife says that youve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you. The husband looks shocked, WHAT? For 20 years Ive been loving and considerate and Ive always given her what she wants! What could be the problem? The counselor explains, She says that youve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, youre always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.
The husband looks concerned, Oh, you dont understand! Its one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore Id obey everything he said. What did he say?
He said that I should never step on anyones toes! The counselor looks amused, Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry. The husband looks sheepish, Oh. Okay. The counselor continues, And you keep picking your nose in public. Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.
The counselor looks faint, That mean
The City Council in Sebastopol, CA. (USA), agreed to waive an $80 fee for a woman who owns two chickens. Her home is located in a commercial zone where chickens can reside with an $80 permit (which allows up to 16 chickens). The woman told the council that shes keeping the chickens in case a Y2K glitch causes a disruption in the food supply chain, since chickens dont need computers to lay eggs.
(San Gabriel Valley Tribune, West Covina, CA.)
You might be a redneck if…
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
A mexican, a black guy, and a white guy stumble upon a genies magic lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. The genie says, I will give you each one wish.
The mexican says, I wish that me and all of the mexican people in the U.S. were back in Mexico and happy.
*Poof* The wish comes true.
The black guy says, I wish that me and all of the black people in the U.S. were back in Africa and happy.
*Poof* The wish comes true.
The white guy says, Let me get this straight. All of the spics and niggers are out of the U.S.
The genie nods. Then the man says, Okay then, I wish for a Coke.
A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very sorry for the young man.
After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his sandwiches.
Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate, he replied. The man felt he couldnt eat either under the circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.
Would you like some coffee, son? he asked. Thank you, yeth Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel.
The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up, saying Ouch!!.
Sorry Son, was it too hot?
No Thir, no sugar!
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com
Heard after a showing of a video aimed at marketing types…
When aiming for the lowest common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
division by zero.
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
If you win, youre entitled to free sex, said the attendant.
How do we enter? asked the men.
Well, Im thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex.
O.K., I guess 7, said one of the guys. Sorry, I was thinking of 8, replied the attendant.
The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
Sure, replied the attendant. Im thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.
2, said the customer.
Sorry, I was thinking of 3, replied the attendant, Come back soon and try again.
As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, You know, Im beginning to think this contest is rigged.
No way insisted the other. My wife won twice last week.
TONS more of the same at: http://www.freeholes.com/joke/
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his flock who had a reputation for being a crummy housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. Were these dishes ever washed? he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, Theyre as clean as soap and water could get them. He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and shouted, Here Soap! Here Water!
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little fellow just cant reach. After watching the boys sorry efforts for some time as he moves closer to the boys position, the priest steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the childs shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the childs level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, And now what, my little man?
To which the urchin replies, Now we run like Hell!