Old and New Jokes

According to the Washington Times (7/2/97) when a Virginia High School
student exposed mice to hard rock music 10 hours a day for three weeks,
their ability to navigate a maze they already knew decreased
significantly. A control group, exposed to classical music, actually
improved their maze time. The experiment was cut short because the hard
rock mice ate each other.

One fine morning a sardar goes for a ride in his car. He is enjoying his
ride when suddenly he sees another sardarji in the middle of a field
rowing a boat.

Puzzled he stops the car and standing at the edge of the road screams,
what are you doing rowing a boat in a field?.

The sardarji answers it is an ocean of wheat and i am rowing a boat in
the ocean.

The sardar angrily says it is because of sardars like you we have a bad
name. If only i knew to swim i would have come there and beaten you up.

Q: Why did the sardarji take his typewriter to the doctor ??

A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

The toilet paper joke submitted by Peter OToole, handed down from his father,
reminds me of one my father told me:

Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other,

There is no toilet paper over here–do you have any over there?

The second man replies, No, sorry, I dont seem to have any, either.

The first man then asks, Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?

The second man says, No, sorry!

The first man pauses, then inquires, Do you have change for a twenty?

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, Well, arent you going to ask me?

Ask you what? replied the trucker. If Im a boy or a girl, answered the youth.

Dont matter, replied the trucker. Gonna fuck ya anyway.

A teacher had been after her pupils to bring in their 2 dollars for the class picture.



Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said, Class, think how much youre going to treasure this picture 25 years from now. You will pull it out and say, Theres my friend, Julie. Shes a lawyer now. Theres my friend Robert. Hes a doctor



Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, And theres my teacher. Shes dead.

• At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
• The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood) – Its all you-know-where.
• You begin to look at the dog with interest.
• You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand.
• They confuse you with the duracell bunny.
• When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
• You begin to thing that your mother-in-law is pretty.
• You no longer need the TV remote control.
• You killed a passer-by with a button that flew off your new Levis.
• If you die, they wont be able to close your coffin for three days.
• They begin to call you the tripod.
• The butchers look for you because they ran out of peperoni.
• You go out to sunbathe nude and (if youre standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if youre lying down) you look like a sundial.
• When you go camping all you bring is the canvas, but you leave the tent poles behind.
• Everyone lets you get in line in front of him or her in the bank, the supermarket, etc.
• Pinocchio doesnt look like such a liar, compared with you.
• When you go to the kitchen in the middle of the night, you can carry the glass of milk, the cookies, the napkins, the plate, and other things that you couldnt before using just 2 hands.
• You always lose limbo contests.
• Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
• You can make drawings in the sand at the beach without having to look for a stick.
• You had them take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom because you like to sleep on your back.

These were forwarded to me from a Spanish humor list. Enjoy.

Least Popular Christmas Carols (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)

As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King
Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose
Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play
Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, Youre Going to Jail for One-to-Three
Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza
O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie
Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack
I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum
O.J. Is Free Although Hes Probly Guilty
Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room

How do stop an Italian from talking?

Tie his hands behind his back.

Question:

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as The Lawyer, and the party of the second part, also known as The Light Bulb, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(New Light Bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as The Firm.