Old and New Jokes

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Ears pierced – while you wait!
Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

How do you make two pounds of fat better?

Add a nipple.

Yo Momma so ugly, the neighbor kids dare each other to ring her doorbell on Halloween.

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wifes face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The womans husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied, no need…I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), Oh, you can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldnt be helped as well.

Yes, yes signed the mute. Lets have the first treatment right now!

Very well, replies the specialist.

Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. Ill be right in.

The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he sends it home with a few deft swipes of the mallet.

The mute jumps from the table, screaming, AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!

VERY good, smiles the doctor.

Next Tuesday, we start with B

A Catholic and a Protestant church were located directly across the street from each other. In spite of their religious differences, the Catholic priests and the Protestant ministers were on friendly terms.

Accordingly, they invited each other to feel free to drop in at any time to view their respective church services. While conducting services one Sunday, one of the Catholic priests glanced up and saw that three Protestant ministers had chosen that occasion to attend services.

Because all the pews were filled, they were standing at the rear of the church. In an effort to treat his guests as courteously as possible, the priest called an altar boy to his side and whispered in his ear, Three chairs for the Protestants.

The altar boy promptly spun around, faced the congregation and said in a loud voice, Three cheers for the Protestants!

These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.

When they return, the first guy says, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.

Well, thats okay, says the second guy, but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! says the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

Why was the bee flying around with his legs crossed? He couldnt find a BP station!

This guy decides hes going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your bra. He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your girdle. Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, If you firmed this up a bit, I wouldnt need to keep sleeping with your brother.

The inmate on death row was scheduled tobe put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guardswere being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specificfor his last meal, he said he didnt want anything special. When they asked if therewas something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this allday.Finally, when he was put before thefiring squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said,"just get it over with.""Well, is there anything that I cando for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didnt even want a speciallast meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would reallylike would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with nointerruptions."The guard nodded and told him to goahead.The inmate started, "One billionbottles of beer on the wall…"