Old and New Jokes

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Slap the bitch!

Question: What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990s?

Answer: Microsoft Works!

When the man came come, his wife was crying. Your mother insulted me, she sobbed.

My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world? the man asked.

I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.

And?

At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Catherine, when you have finished reading this letter, dont forget to give it to my son.

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, Well, Forrest, its certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and weve been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test aint too hard;life was a big enough test as it was.

Saint Peter goes on, Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is Gods first name?

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.

Forrest says, Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that ones easy; thatd be Today and Tomorrow.

The saints eyes opened wide and he exclaims, Forrest! Thats not what I was thinking, but…you do have a point though, and I guess I didnt specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? says Saint Peter. How many seconds in a year?

Now that ones harder, says Forrest. But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.

Astounded, Saint Peter says, Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?

Forrest says, Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…

Hold it, interrupts Saint Peter. I see where youre going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasnt quite what I had in mind. Ill give you credit for that one too.

Lets go on with the next and final question, says Saint Peter. Can you tell me Gods first name?

Forrest says, Well, shore, I know Gods first name. Everybody knows it. Its Howard.

Howard?! asks Saint Peter. What makes you think its Howard?!

Forrest answers, Its in the prayer.

The prayer? asks Saint Peter, Which prayer?

You know, The Lords Prayer, responds Forrest:

Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, You aint from around here, are you?

Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you, either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective big ol, as in big ol truck, or big ol boy.

Fixin, as in Im fixin to go to the store, is 2nd. And Yall is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this!, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating.

The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something youre supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

Personnel executives of 100 major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.





10. … stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.





9. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.





8. ? A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.





7. … asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.





6. … announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve





5. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.





4. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.





3. … pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.





2. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.





1. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, Tonight, Im the Designated Decoy.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.