Old and New Jokes

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you wont be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

ID LOVE TO BUT…

… I changed the lock on my door and now I cant get out. … I feel a song coming on. … I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. … I have to bleach my hare. … I have too much guilt. … I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and Im stuck on it… … I never go out on days that end in Y. … I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps. … Im attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. … Im having all my plants neutered. … Im making a home movie called The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator. … Im too old for that stuff. … Im too young for that stuff. … Im touring China with a wok band. … Im trying desperately to be less popular. … Im uncomfortable when Im alone or with others. … Im waiting to see if Im already a winner. … My bathroom tiles need grouting. … My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. … My mother would never let me hear the end of it. … My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

Thought For The Day:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

…Sacha Guitry

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! she screamed.

Thats really odd, he muttered, You even sound exactly like her.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

Suit yourself, the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist….



…..Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.



But you are not wearing any of those things.



I know, she said. Its in case I should die before my husband. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

Le dice un amigo a otro:

Está mi mujer que se vuelve loca pensando en la jodienda. ¿Sabes lo que me dijo la otra noche?

¿Qué te dijo?

Méteme 30 centímetros y hazme daño.

¿Y tú qué hiciste?

¡Pues se la metí tres veces y le di dos puñetazos en cada ojo!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marcella!
Marcella who?
Marcella is full of water and Im drowning, help!

Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?

Yesterday Ive bought your sword …

Congratulations, sir, youve made the right choice!

It doesnt work.

What does it mean – doesnt work?

It doesnt cut the dragons head.

Have you read the manual, sir?

A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-bearer has read it for me aloud twice.

Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?

Yes.

Is that really so? Check it again, please.

Ive done it, I say to you!

Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.

Ough!

You shouldnt do it with your finger, sir.

What thinger? Ive done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.

You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term sharp means here …

Im not obliged to know you technical terms! Im a user, not a hardware specialist. Youd better answer why doesnt it work!

Did it work before?

I dont know, Ive bought it only yesterday!

Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?

No!

Are you sure?

Well, I only took it out of the sheath.

Did you try to grind it yourself?

What for?

You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?

No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!

Maybe its the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?

Ive downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!

I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.

What sources?! Im in the desert!

Dont be so nervous, sir.

Im not nervous!

Then why do you pant?

Because the dragon is chasing me!

Oh, so the dragon is near you?

Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!

Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.

And what if he bites my arm off?

Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.

Next time Ill buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!

Well … okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.

Well, he is such … yellow … with a red moustache …

Its clear now. You should begin with it. Its a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.

And?

Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesnt guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.

And what shall I do?

Dont use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.

Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!! …

Sir? Sir, are you okay? … Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

Honey, I have a confession to make, a guy told his bride. Im a golf nut. Youll never see me on weekends during golf season.

Well, dear, she murmured. I have a confession to make too. Im a hooker.

No big deal, replied the groom. Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named LOVE. It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, Im looking for LOVE. The policeman arrested her on the spot.