Old and New Jokes

How are men and parking spots the same? All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

One night, one said to a another, “Im so hungry. Im going to go get something.”

“No dont! We have to wait for the others!”

“I dont care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didnt.”

Va Samuel al Banco Israelita y se acerca al cajero.

Buenos días Samuel, lo saluda el cajero atentamente.

Buenos días. Vengo a sacar un crédito de un dolar.

¿Un dolar? Pero Samuel, le retiro esa cifra de cualquiera de sus cuentas o inversiones y solucionado el problema.

No… yo quiero un dólar de crédito a pagar en un mes. Si no da crédito Samuel retira inversión, retira dinero, retira joyas, retira todo.

Pero no Samuel, no es para tanto, si usted quiere el crédito se lo damos. (y le acerca los papeles para que los firme).

¿Cuánto es interés?

3% Mensual.

Está bien, pero quiero dejar en garantía de pago mi BMW.

No Samuel, no es necesario, con sus cuentas es más que suficiente.

Si no deja mi BMW de garantía, retira inversión, retira dinero, retira joyas, retira todo.

Está bien Samuel, puede dejar su BMW en garantía en la bóveda del Banco hasta dentro de 30 días.

¡Perfecto!

Vuelve Samuel a su casa y le dice a su esposa:

¡Ruthie, Ruthie, ya podemos tener vacaciones tranquilos, conseguí estacionamiento por $1,03 el mes completo!

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a White Guy?

A. A car thief thats too lazy to steal.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing women understand…

1. Other women!

Whats in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? The captains log.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?



2. If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, Im so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.



3. If the person says hes Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.



4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Judy and Im with Canter and Siegel services….

You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?



5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, Judy!! Is this really you? I cant believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN? Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.



6. Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as theyre trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.



7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, I dont have any friends . . . would you be my friend?



8. If they clean rugs: Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?



9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, Thats fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldnt give your credit card number to someone whos a complete stranger.



10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example: Telemarketer: This is Bill from Watertronics.

You: Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you< calling from?

Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.

You: Great, they have a group there too? Hows business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.



11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, Well, I dont really want to get a call at home, say, Yeah! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course…)

Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
who fax complete strangers every day.

Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only
allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old
do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you can learn the correct
procedures.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is
this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a professional when their needs to fax become too great.

Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe fax.

Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax
prematurely?
A: Dont panic. Many people prematurely fax when they havent faxed in a
long time. Just start over, most people wont mind if you try again.

Q: I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed
up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
each one, you wont transmit anything youre not supposed to.