Old and New Jokes

¡Cómo que la leche tiene gusto raro, te la tomas!

Madre de Pasteur.

¡Deja de gritar todo el día, te vas a quedar afónico de por vida!

Madre de Plácido Domingo.

¡Deja de jugar con esas maquinitas, así nunca vas a salir de pobre!

Madre de Bill Gates.

¿Otra vez al cine? ¡Busca oficio!

Madre de Steven Spielberg.

¡Es la última vez que me haces garabatos en las paredes!

Madre de Picasso.

¡Apenas es un rasponcito, deja de chuparte el dedo!

Madre de Drácula.

Déjate de cuentos y rodeos, háblame claro, sin fábulas…

Madre de Esopo.

¡Nene, ya déjate de lavar tanto las manos, se te van a pelar!

Madre de Poncio Pilatos.

¡Qué relativo ni que ocho cuartos, si llegas tarde te ponen falta!

Madre de Einstein.

Eran dos gordas gemelas idénticas en lo físico, lo único que las diferenciaba era el carácter que poseía cada una de ellas, ya que una era una santa y la otra sólo se dedicaba a joder.

La gemela más santita era maestra y fue a dar sus clases temprano en la mañana, mientras su hermana la loca y un poco cafre solo disfrutaba de la vida… esa misma tarde cuando la gemela santita llega de la escuela a su casa, un viejo calvo se encontraba sentado enfrente de la puerta de su casa, y el calvo al verla le comenta:

GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA, POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARIA UNA CASQUETA.

La pobre gemela santita, terminó completamente aturdida, sin palabras que decir, y entró a su hogar como si nada hubiese pasado. Al día siguiente la santita hace la misma rutina del día, va a la escuela a dar clases y cuando regresa a la casa el calvo esta nuevamente sentado en frente de la puerta de su casa, y el le dice:

GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARIA UNA CASQUETA.

Ella salió corriendo a buscar a su hermana que siempre se la pasaba disfrutando de la vida y le comenta lo que el calvo le dice cada vez que ella llega a la casa, la hermana loca decide intercambiar su puesto con la santita y le dice: Hermana tenemos la dicha de que somos gemelas idénticas, yo me haré pasar por ti y tu simplemente quedate en la casa, vamos a ver si ese viejo cabrón me dirá algo a mi…

Y así fue la hermana loca esta ves fue ella quien dio las clases en la escuela y cuando llega a la casa esa misma tarde, el viejo calvo se encuentra tirado en la puerta de la casa y le dice:

GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA, POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARÍA UNA CASQUETA.

Y ella le responde:

CALVO, CALVITO, HIJO DE PUTA, CON ESTOS PELOS DE MI CRICA YO TE HARÍA UNA PELUCA.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if youre talking to God, and he sneezes?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if youre in hell, and youre mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.



A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.



A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.



The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. Ive just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know Im not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

Relax, honey, her husband, Roger, reassured her. It will all be OK.

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

Where are you going? Jane asked.

I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon, he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Rogers return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. Honey, I managed to get tomorrows question and answer!

What is it? she cried excitedly.

OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis.

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. The head, the heart, and the penis, Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.

Hmm, uhm, the head? she said nervously.

Very good. Six seconds, he said.

Eh, uh, the heart?

Very good! Four seconds left, he said.

I, uhh, ooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…

Thats close enough, said the game show host… CONGRATULATIONS!!

How does a psychic refer to a blonde?

Light reading.

I think therefore I am (not a Republican…)

This is one that I picked up off a bathroom wall while I was in the Navy.

I fucked in France,

I fucked in Spain.

I fucked up and down

the coast of Maine.

But Ill never be happy

Ill nerve be free.

Till I fucked the Navy

like the Navy fucked me.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None… because you can program around anything!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
   Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentines card at the store
   In hopes that, later, youd be my whore.
7. This feels so good; it feels so right
   I just wish it wasnt $250 a night.
6. Youre a woman of style, youre a woman of class
   Especially when Im spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
   But now Im fulfilled … SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
   Our love has grown … but sos your ass.
3. Youre a honey … and youre a cutie
   I just wished you had J-Los booty.
2. I dont wanna be sappy or silly or corny
   So, right to the point, lets do it, Im horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
   You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!