Old and New Jokes

Return your keys

Before a friends wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now. Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. Its probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isnt tending to the sheeps needs.

When I was in the Air Force, they had a weekly paper. It had a lost and
found section. One day I was reading it and saw this:
Found, one black boys bicycle.

Wonder how they knew?

Phrase Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known I havent bothered to look up the
reference

It is believed I think

It is generally believed A couple of other guys think so too

It is not unreasonable to If you believe this, youll believe
assume anything

Of great theoretical I find it kind of interesting
importance

Of great practical importance I can get some mileage out of it

Typical results are shown The best results are shown

3 samples were chosen for The others didnt make sense, so
further study we ignored them

The 4 hour sample was not I dropped it on the floor
studied

The 4 hour determination may I dropped it on the floor, but
not be significant scooped most of it up

The significance of these Look at the pretty artifact
results is unclear

It has not been possible to The experiment was negative, but
provide definitive answers at least I can publish the data
somewhere

Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude

It might be argued that I have such a good answer for this
objection that I shall now raise it

Much additional work will be This paper is not very good, but
required neither are all the others in this
miserable field

These investigations proved My grant is going to be renewed
highly rewarding

I thank X for assistance X did the experiment and Y explained
with the experiments and it to me
Y for useful discussions
on the interperetation of
the data

Un tipo muy religioso navega en un crucero por el Caribe. Una noche, mientras reflexionaba sobre las cosas de la vida en la cubierta, un fuerte oleaje lo tumbó del barco. Como era medianoche, nadie se dio cuenta que el tipo se había caído. Pero como éste era muy creyente empezó a decir para sí mismo:

Yo creo en Dios y Él me salvará.

En esas estaba cuando apareció una lancha guardacostas. Los marineros le gritaron que venían a salvarlo; el hombre, como era muy creyente, les indicó que no se preocuparan, que él tenía fe en Dios y que Él lo salvaría.

Como a la hora de seguir flotando, llegó un helicóptero y lo mismo: los tripulantes le informaron que venían a salvarlo; el sujeto volvió a decirles que él tenía fe en Dios y que el Señor lo salvaría. Sin embargo, esta vez insistieron, pero sus esfuerzos fueron en vano: el fulano no quiso ser rescatado y siguió flotando en el mar.

Un rato después, una botella le pegó en la cabeza, la cual se mantuvo flotando cerca del él. Al ver que adentro traía un mensaje, el personaje la tomó y la destapó para leer el mensaje:

Ya te mandé una lancha guardacostas para que te salvara y la rechazaste. Luego te envié un helicóptero y la misma cosa. ¿Es que eres tonto o qué? ¿A poco estás esperando que vaya yo personalmente a salvarte?

¡Baboso!

Firma: Dios

Un tipo tiene un dolor insoportable en el testículo izquierdo, y decide ir al doctor, pero por el dolor tan grande que sentía, se confundió y entró en el despacho de un abogado. Y el tipo le dice:

Dr. vengo porque me duele mucho el testículo izquierdo

Señor, usted está en un error; yo soy Doctor en Derecho

Y el tipo responde:

¡Coño, que avanzada está la ciencia, ahora hay un doctor para cada huevo!

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.



As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. Otherwise, the rope would break and everyone would perish.



For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.



Finally, the brunette gave a truly touching speech, saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.



The ten blondes applauded…

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A: More head room.

how many jewish mothers does it take to run a household?

3.one to gooi


one to gooi vey


one to gooi gevalt

Sent to me by a Guamanian friend …

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GUAM

Tis the night before Christmas
and Santas relaxed.
Guams surf is up–
Santas surf board is waxed.

The Zories are hung
by the Aircon with care,
And the Kiddies all know
Santa soon will be there.

Once the tide goes out,
and hes through hangin ten
Hell stop to see Barbara,
and Charlie, and Ben.

A snacks been prepared
by Becky and Sam.
Its that old island favorite:
Tortillas and Spam.

After giving out presents,
for his surfboard hell reach.
Santas parting remark will be
Back to the Beach!

Hell join all those tourists
who visit for fun.
When it comes to vacations,
he says, Guams number one!

And youll hear him exclaim
ere he boogies away:
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, Hafa Adai!