Old and New Jokes

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem…

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full … of course, the bad news is that it wont be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans … we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you dont bounce back. (Its more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves … and that youre now sitting on your biggest ones.

Its very hard to get jiggy with it in midlife … jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself … and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, youd need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the big questions – what is life, why am I here … how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before its no longer a healthy choice.

How do you drown a blonde?

Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

I really feel that Ive grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldnt have given someone like you a second look.

Its been tough, but Ive come to accept that most people I date just wont be as smart as I am.

Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two oclock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didnt work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy…but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didnt work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldnt get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I cant have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I cant believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

Bubba Brickhead

What do you get when cross a gay Eskimo and a Black?

A snowblower that doesnt work.

Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?

A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did.His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says, $101,237.64. The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?Kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? Kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing.

Una pareja ha ligado en un bar; van rápidamente al apartamento de uno de ellos y enseguida empiezan a follar apasionadamente. En esto, el tío se fija en que cada vez que entra, la chica dobla las puntas de los dedos de los pies y cuando la saca los vuelve a enderezar. Sin darle mayor importancia, él sigue en lo suyo, pero al acabar le pregunta a la chica por qué hacía eso.

Es que no me diste tiempo para quitarme los pantis.