Old and New Jokes

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with pictures of favorite lawyers on them.



The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!

Youre so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mom.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Two French brothers were in England, visiting long-lost relatives, their English cousins. Having high tea with Lady Windham, Pierre was making chit-chat: Tell us about your children, dear cousin.

Oh, said the Englishwoman, alas, I have no children.

I see, piped in Jean-Claude, you are FRUITLESS.

Seeing the expression on Lady Windhams face, Pierre said, I think that the proper term is UNBEARABLE.

Non, non, corrected Jean-Claude, Ive got it now: shes IMPREGNABLE.

The lady winced, and Pierre said, Perhaps the word were looking for is INSURMOUNTABLE

Voila! I have it, exclaimed Jean-Claude, our dear cousin in INSCRUTABLE!

High Above Fifth Ave. and 34th Street

Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One

turns to the other and says, You know, last week I discovered that if you

jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor,

the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the

building and back into the window.

The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while

wiping down the bar.

The second man says, What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that

could happen!

The first man says, No, its true. Let me prove it to you. He gets up from

the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below.

When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building

and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to

the bar.

The second man says, You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must

have been a one-time fluke.

The first man says, No, it isnt. Ill prove it again! And again he jumps

and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him

around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow

drinker to try it.

The second man says, Well, what the hell, it works, Ill try it. He jumps

over the balcony, plunges downward,

and passes the 14th..13th…12th..11th…

10th…

9th….

8th…

7th…

6th….

5th…

4th…

3rd…

2nd….

1st….

And hits the sidewalk with a splat!!

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,You Know,

Superman. youre a real asshole when you get drunk.

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Shall we walk or take a dog?

This is true story from the newspaper The Cape Times (South Africa):
For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.

There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths…

It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patients life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed. (Cape Times)

The headline of the newspaper story was, Cleaner Polishes Off Patients

PLEASE NOTICE: You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

The Management