Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids dont eat broccoli!

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ ORourke

Joey had heard a family rumor that his father, his grand-father and even his great-grandfather, all walked on water on their 21st birthday. Well today was his 21st birthday and if they could do it, so could he.



So, off he went in a boat with his friend Eric. When he got out in the middle of the lake, he got up and stepped out of the boat….and damn near drowned.



The next day, Joey asked his grandmother why he wasnt given the same gift as the others in his family. The grandmother told him that his father, grand-father and great-grandfather had all been born in February…not in August as was he.

The
old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, "Seven Points," his wife
rolls over and says, "what in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another
one go and says, "Aha. Im ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says,"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get
beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat
is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything hes
got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head.

The boyfriend yells No, honey, dont do it.

The blond replies Shut up. Youre next, you bastard.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there wont be a problem with fee splitting.

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.

Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, Honey, are you feeling all right?

Not really, the blonde replied. Im nauseous from sitting backward on the train.

Poor dear, Mom said. Why didnt you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?

I couldnt, she replied, there was no one there.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.

You might be a redneck if…
If youve ever used a pork product to assemble a bicycle.