Old and New Jokes

A young boy and his mother were standing in a grocery store behind a large
woman who wore a beeper on her belt.

Suddenly, the beeper went off.

The little boy cried, Careful, Mommy–shes backing up!

(told to me by Burt B–our resident storyteller)

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, Quite right, old bean! 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond thats my name, dont wear it out! 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute. 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder. 9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Wanna go ride bikes?

Collage 268 27 MAY 96

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in Americas far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macys
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! – A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! – Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! – Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says…

That boy should have quit while he was a head!

Q. What happens when a frog parks illegaly?

A. It gets toad!

The doctor told
me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:
Monday:

Beat around the bush.

Jump to conclusions.

Climb the walls.

Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:

Drag my heels.

Push my luck.

Make mountains out of mole hills.

Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:

Bend over backwards.

Jump on the band wagon.

Balance the books.

Run around in circles.
Thursday:

Toot my own horn.

Climb the ladder of success.

Pull out the stops.

Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:

Open a can of worms.

Put my foot in my mouth.

Start the ball rolling.

Go over the edge.
Saturday:

Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout!

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1% said, No

2% said, Yes

97% said, Never Again

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother………………………… Please Gogh His dizzy aunt………………………………. Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………………..Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle………………………… Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store…….Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle…………………………….Wherediddy Gogh His Italian uncle…………………………………Day Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousins American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach…………….. Wellsfar Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt………………………Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco……………………….Go Gogh The bird lover uncle…………………………..Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst……………………….E Gogh The fruit loving cousin………………………..Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking…………….Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew……………………….Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van……Winnie Bay Gogh

Tres parejas de recién casados se van de luna de miel y se instalan en el mismo hotel. Después de la primera noche, el esposo de la enfermera baja y el curioso recepcionista le pregunta:

¿Cómo es casarse con una enfermera?

Fatal, fatal. Mete y saca; desinfecta. Mete. Saca. Desinfecta.

Baja, entonces, el marido de la secretaria y, nuevamente el recepcionista pregunta:

¿Qué tal casarse con una secretaria?

Pésimo. Mete, saca; espere cinco minutos. Mete, saca; espere cinco minutos.

Finalmente, baja a la recepción el que se casó con la profesora y el recepcionista insiste:

¿Qué tal casarse con una maestra?

Cansadísimo. Mete, saca; y ella me dice: muy mal hecho, repita 100 veces.