Old and New Jokes

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, If I thank God for the broccoli, wont he know that Im lying?

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wifes cup and said, Sugar, sugar? Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, Honey, honey?

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wifes eyes and said, Ham, pig?

Una hermosa mujer joven sale de la ducha, se envuelve en una toalla y le avisa a su marido que ya puede utilizar la ducha. Cuando él entra en la ducha suena el timbre de la puerta. La esposa le dice que ella abre, y baja a abrir la puerta envuelta en la toalla.

Cuando abre la puerta se encuentra a su vecino Bill, quien se queda boquiabierto ante la visión que se le ofrece. Entonces, él saca dos billetes nuevecitos de 100 dólares y le dice a ella que son suyos si deja caer la toalla hasta la cintura.

Ella piensa, ¿por qué no?, de modo que deja caer la toalla y coge el dinero. Bill jadea ante lo que ve; saca prontamente otros doscientos dólares y se los ofrece por dejar caer la toalla completamente. La mujer piensa que ya había llegado bastante lejos, así que no importaba, y deja caer la toalla al suelo. Bill la contempla un momento, le da las gracias y se va.

Cuando ella sube de nuevo, su marido que acababa de ducharse, le pregunta que quién había llamado a la puerta. Ella contesta: era simplemente Bill.

¿Y ha traído los 400 dólares que me debe?, pregunta el marido.

( For those of you who dont already know, Newfoundland is the easternmost
province of Canada. As Americans take pride in knocking Cleveland, we
Canadians get our kicks by poking fun at the people of Newfoundland
(probably for the same reasons). Anyway, heres my first Newfie joke. )

A Newfoundlander went to the doctors office to get his annual checkup.
Half way through the examination, the doctor handed him three containers
and asked him for samples of his urine, stool, and semen. A bit
bewildered, but nonetheless congenial, the Newfie got up off the table,
removed his briefs, and handed them to the doctor.

A man absolutely hated his wifes cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn
cat would always beat him home.At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there…. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife.Jen, is the cat there?Yes, the wife answers…why do you ask?Frustrated, the man answered, Put that son of a ***** on the phone, Im lost and need directions!

Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.

Q: Do you know why God created woman second?

A: Because he didnt want all the advice.

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A terrible tragedy. Even lawyers have families, friends, and loved ones that will miss them from this suspicious drowning.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, Ill give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.



An Irish boy put his hand up and said, It was St.Patrick.

The teacher said, Sorry Sean, thats not correct.



Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, It was St. Andrew.

The teacher replied, Im sorry, Hamish, thats not right either.



Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, It was Jesus Christ.

The teacher said, Thats absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and Ill give you the $2.



As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, You know Marvin, since youre Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.



Marvin replied, Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!

A Message From Your Computer:



You look really sexy in that…thing youve got on tonight. I



like the way your eyes are always open when you read your



E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist



tinkling on her keys.



You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.



If I wasnt a computer, Id show you what Hard Drive really



means!



But Alas, Im only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying



your every command. Yes mistress! Ill balance your cheque-



book. Yes mistress! Ill run your silly little program.



Dont get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but



maybe just once in a while you could show some



compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,



you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot



first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off



when youre through, we could talk for a while afterwards?



I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But Im



different! I may be a little slow, but Ive got a big mouse!



So come on baby, dont fight it. You know you want it. Ill



just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will



you at least think about it?