Old and New Jokes

Bonafedes Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, its exhausting. – Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled Surviving in Washington

A closed mouth gathers no foot in the ass.

Dear Redneck Son;

Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I wont be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and havent seen them since.

The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent found out what it is yet so I dont know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother….

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

To Prick A Bobby



Q: How do you prick a Bobby?



A: With a Bobby Pin!!!

Because 24 hours isn’t enough, the Emergency Nurses Association is proud to announce that we have officially extended Emergency Nurses Day® on October 10, 2001 to an entire week-October 7 – 13, 2001.

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL

To: All EMS Personnel

From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT Charlie Carrots. Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or hamburger helper. Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like negative vehicle to vehicle interface or terminal deceleration syndrome.
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not glow worms.
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered pharmaceutically gifted.
Gunshot wounds to the head are not trans-occipital implants.
The homeless are not urban outdoorsmen, nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a PVC Challenge.
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being paws up, ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

Chuckles Of Choice Web Site

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/

And the Lord sayeth, so will I confound the people mightily, and into their lives rain knowledge of that which matters not, yet hide from them the simplest of things. For lo! I shall give unto them the Internet.

And also will there be much sound and fury, for the Internet will baffle and confuse the people. Yea, few amongst them will know the difference between the Internet and the World Wide Web, or between HTTPs and HTMLs, and the vileness of 🙂 and 🙁 will strike them dumb. And the people will gnaw their tongues with pain, and the hair of their flesh will stand up, for they will know not the meaning of the word spamouflage.

And they will be mocked by geeks, yea, and chastised by the dweebish.

So in their ignorance will they add cyber to all they say, until those around them weary of the word, and smite them under the fifth rib, yea, and call upon them to speak of anything else, lo, even Monica.

But the Internet will be filled with wonders. Indeed, web sites there will be in uncounted multitudes, filled with the sayings of those who leave not their basements.

Yet web site addresses will be of great length, and filled with letters and signs so that no man shall remember them. And so it is that such an address given in haste will be unclear in the mind the next day. And, behold, my people will find themselves logging in error onto the likes of the Tokyo Toilet Map. And there fear will come upon them, and trembling.

But behold the homework of children shall take them into the very bowels of the night, for the Internet will have vast and uncounted references to Warren G. Harding. Yet all must be searched, and the children will tarry there until their beards be grown long. And their parents will fall upon each others necks and weep, for they are middle-aged, yea, and want to go to bed. Yet the children will moveth [sic] not from their computers, and will withhold themselves from speaking unto others, and will eateth up only pizza, lo, in vast amounts. And they will bathe not also, and woe, smell like unto the beasts of the field, and their stench will become an affliction and a calamity to all those about them. And, lo, neither will they dateth.

And online there will be all manner of advice. And the people will do as they are told to do, and eat what they are told to eat, and take all medicines that are spoken of by strangers, whom they knowest not.

So also the number of TV and movie web sites will be legion, and with them, publicity photos without number, and many shall groan, for Charlies Angels were a noisome pestilence, yea, even in olden times. And verily, also will there be images of William Shatner without his toupee, and yea, the faithful at Star Trek sites will cry out in anguish, and their knees knock together in rage.

And I will scatter Links in all places also, so that nothing will be written that does not include boldfaced connections to yet other sites. So naught will be read from start to finish, for Links will seduce even the most righteous amongst the people. And so it is that they will begin attempting to learn basketball scores, but will be led off into desolate places, and wander from Link to Link, yet they will know not if the Knicks beat the Celtics.

But this will stop no one. Nor will the busy signals, nor the cost, nor yea, verily, the mighty tribulation of hookup.

For there are still to be explored the toilets of Tokyo.

• You dont sweat, you percolate.
• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• When someone says, How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
• Youd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
• You speed-walk in your sleep.
• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named Joe.
• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
• Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
• Youre so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
• You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a drip is a compliment.
• You dont tan, you roast.
• You dont get mad, you get steamed.
• You cant even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Jack was a grumpy old man, who likes visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.

One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack gets drunker.

One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.

He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, Do you see that lamp?

Yes the man replied.

Well, thats mine. Do you see that carpet?

Yes.

Well thats mine.

Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.

Do you see that bed?

Yes.

Well, thats mine.

Do you see that women on the bed?

Yes.

Well, thats mine.

Do you see the man next to her?

Yes Jack, I see!

Well, thats me.

Taxes suck.

Yo Mama is so stupid, that she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.