Old and New Jokes

People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.

Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde?

A: You put a dildo under a glass table!

One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local pub a little drunk.He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Aldo gets out of his pickup truck, angry as hell and kicks the door real hard out of frustration and starts walking down the lonely road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. On of the fellas called out, Whats the matter ole friend?

Aldo says, Piston-broke! The same fella calls back, Ya! were pissnd and broke too. Get in the truck.

Yo mama so fat that when she went to jump in the ocean the ocean jump out and said, No way! Theres not enough room for us both!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says, I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. Very good said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnnys hand up. Oh no, she thought, Im not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, Your feet. The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, Well, I was walking past my parents bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, Oh God, Im coming!

A Calculus Carol

written by: Denis Gannon (1940-1991)

sung to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I cant master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I cant master.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.

Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
For mercy Im beseeching.
My grades do not approach a B,
Theyre just an epsilon from D.
Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a
jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command
station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook my fathers hand.

Dont congratulate me, sir, my father said modestly as he
pointed to his driver. It was all the sergeants doing.

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
Congratulations, he said. The majors wife just had a baby
girl.

(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:

Maybe wed better tell him its a septic tank.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quattro sinko.