Old and New Jokes

An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. You will note, said the stuffy Oxford scholar, that in the English language, two negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can mean a negative. To which someone in the back responded, yeah, yeah.

All I want is a chance to prove that money means nothing to me!

A: Who can tell. FSEs are always in the dark. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)

A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that none of the cardinals were very good golfers.

One Cardninal turned to the Pope and suggested, We could get Tiger Woods and ordane him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory.

Thats a great idea, said the Pope.

A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.

So, how did it go? asked the Pope.

One of the cardinals replied, Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost.

How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon. gasped the Pope.

The cardinal shook his head and replied, Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!

There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, I have some bad news and some really bad news.The fellow said, let me have it.The doctor said, The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live.The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, Whats the really bad news?The doctor replied, I forgot to call you yesterday!

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmers wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.

The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, This is sweet and fresh … you are most generous!

She replied modestly, Its nothing. My family wouldnt drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it.

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth,
allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it
down on the visitors head, and hollered, Get out, you ungrateful pig!

I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink … and now you repay my kindness by breaking the childrens potty!

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?

Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

WHATS WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?

If youre like most people, youre probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where youve lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.

HOW DO I KNOW THESE ARENT JUST A BUNCH OF LOSERS WHO CANT MAKE FRIENDS ON THEIR OWN?

Many of todays most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.

WHAT IF I NEED A SPECIAL FRIEND, SAY FOR POKER OR FISHING?

Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.

SUPPOSE I WANT TO SEE FRIENDS OUTSIDE THE MANAGED CARING(tm) NETWORK? CAN MY BEST FRIEND EVER REFER ME TO THEM?

No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

WHATS THAT?

The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely. In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.

WHAT FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES ARE COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?

Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your back.

ARE ANY FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURES NOT COVERED UNDER THE PLAN?

Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.

HOW CAN I FIND OUT IF THE FRIENDSHIP PROCEDURE I NEED IS COVERED?

If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your Managed Caring(tm) ID card to arrange for precertification of the proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for coverage within 24 business hours.

BUT WHO DECIDES WHATS APPROPRIATE FOR ME?

We do. Isnt that what friends are for?

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map? Tony shows him America. Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America? Lisa: Tony did!!