It was spring in the Old West. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his gun to shoot the snake.
Hold on there, partner, said the snake, dont shoot! Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want. The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, Okay, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this horse Im riding. The rattlesnake said, All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes. The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzeneggers. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!
Thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline. Please leave your name, number, and a brief description of your chosen method of demise, and well be sure to get back to you sometime within the next week or so.
[BEEP]
An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.
Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.
The Chief asks for the bad news first.
Scout says, No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.
Chief asks for the worse news.
Brave says, Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands.
Finally the chief asks for the good news.
The brave says, Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, theres a better one. At MacDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, Yeah,thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, You think thats great? Where I come from in Dublin, theres this place called Murphys. At Murphys, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!
Wow! say the other two. Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?
No, replies the Irish guy, but it happened to me sister!
What does a t-sip (UT grad) call an AGGIE after graduation?
BOSS!!!!!
WHOOP!
A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.He tries again. Still nothing.He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.Suddenly, he looks down and he cant believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP!Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver – by this time scared out of his wits – yells, Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?The other guy yells back, No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.
The second boy says, Thats nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.
The third boy says, I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, Theres just three burlap sacks in here! To which his partner replies, Then kick them just to be sure its not them hiding. The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, MEEEYYOWW! the officer said Oh, its just a stupid cat in there. So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, RUUFFF RUFFF!, so the officer says, Oh, its just a stupid dog! Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, POTATOES!
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut. The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.