Old and New Jokes

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!

The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.

Thatll be $80 for the round, says the bartender, to which the man replies, I dont have a plug nickel.

The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.

The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!

As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.

Ok, thats $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,

The man replies, I dont have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say.

The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as hes working, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.

Turning around, he cant believe the drunk is back for a third time.

What, nothing for me this time?

Hell no, says the drunk. You get MEAN when you drink!

On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters said theyd have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After returning home, the couple saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles. There was a note that read: Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldnt do!

I suppose, the husband responded, we could vacuum . . .

Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You cant get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Una joven rebelde muy liberada, entra en un bar completamente desnuda. Se para frente al cantinero y le dice:

¡Deme una cerveza bien helada!

El cantinero se queda mirándola, sin moverse.

¿Qué pasa? -dice ella- ¿Nunca ha visto a una mujer desnuda?

¡Muchas veces!

¿Y entonces qué mira?

¡Quiero ver de donde va a sacar el dinero para pagar la cerveza!

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty – one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.

A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary, and really doing it up the same as 25 years ago.

They renewed their vows with the same minister who had married them, had a reception in the same hall and went to the same hotel for their second honeymoon.

They were even in the same room as they were getting undressed for bed, she said to him, Isnt this romantic? I dont want to change anything.

He said: Well. There is one thing I would like to change. Remember how the first time you saw me naked you cried because it was so big? Well, honey, after twenty-five years of marriage and three children, now its my turn.

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but cant stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a teams defence?
A flat back four!

Whats the difference between Jell-O and a Jewish American Princess?

– Jell-O wiggles when you eat it.

Heard this on The Greaseman on WWDC 101.1-FM this morning in DC…

Four guys have been golfing together for years. Throughout the years, they
have discussed various aspects of their lives, with one exception: they never
talk about their sons. This is because one of the men has a son who is a
flaming, out-of-the-closet homosexual, and the other men dont want to make
him feel bad.

One week, however, the man with the gay son is late to the country club, so the
other three are sitting around the table and inevitably start talking about
their sons.

My son the Mercedes salesman, says one, has been doing so well lately that
last week, he tells me, he GAVE a friend of his a brand new Benz!

Ah, thats nothing, says the second one, My son, the marina owner, has been
so successful lately that last week he gave one of his friends a brand new
speedboat!

MY son, says the third, has done so exceptionally well in the real estate
market, that last week he gave a friend of his a whole HOUSE!

Just then the fourth man walks in and says, You know, I never thought my son
would amount to anything. But then, just last week, his three lovers gave him
a new Mercedes, a speedboat and a house!

Llega la mujer embarzada a punto de dar a luz al hospital.

Entra a la sala de partos y la atiende el ginecólogo. Ya en el quirófano el doctor la está atendiendo, entonces sale el niño y se le resbala de las manos al doctor, y el niño cae al suelo.

Rápidamente el doctor lo levanta y dice a las enfermeras:

Qué resbalosos nacen los niños muertos, ¿verdad?