I saw this in the For Sale column of our local newspaper…
( some parts have been censored 😉
Cemetary Plot, No. XXX, C of E Section,
XXXXXXXX Cemetary, $150. Phone XXX XXXX
I wondered if it was used or if the seller had decided not to go after all.
johnd@physiol.su.oz
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.
Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.
Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadnt gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldnt fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, …and youre not going to believe this, but theres guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.
The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: Fun fun fun worry
worry worry
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
The I LOVE YOU virus is making the
rounds again, and it is mutating into several stages. If you
watch your file manager closely, youll see it mutate like so:
Itll start as the I Love You virus.
Then itll morph into the I Like You A Lot virus.
Followed by the Youre Nice, But I Just Wanna Be Friends
virus.
Then, Look, It Was Just A Date, Dont Get Clingy virus.
After Ok, I Think Its Best If We Dont Have Anymore
Contact virus itll mutate into It Was Late, I Was Drunk,
You Were Easy virus.
Finally, the Stop Calling Me, You Unfeeling Prick will be
morphed into Thats IT! I Hate You AND Your Stupid Dog!
virus.
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?
No, maam, explained the officer, its your foot.
Q: How many barbershoppers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 7. 1 to change the light bulb, 4 to sing about how much they miss the old one and 2 to sell tickets to the afterglow.