Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. How much is that Barbie in the window?, he asks the shop assistant. In a manner she responds, Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. The guy asks, Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? That’s obvious, the assistant states, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.

Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Están Pepito y una niña jugando juntos. Pepito le pregunta a su amiguita con aire de suficiencia:

¿Sabes cómo se hacen los niños?

No, no lo sé.

Pues, mira, el papá pone la semillita en la vagina de la mamá.

¿Y luego?

Luego la empuja con el pene.

On page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew catalog (yuppie clothing)
that I received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant
woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas).
The description reads:

Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural
for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And
unconfining by design. Our wool rollneck, shown here
in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos.
Unisex sizes. $52.

Unisex sizes?!

A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in from her bedroom closet. As luck would have it, the husband arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

After jumping out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.

Would you like to buy a flashlight? asks the boy. The lover said he didnt think so.

Sure would be bad if dad found out about this, observed the boy. The lover enquired as to how much the boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly. Wife shoves lover into closet and son says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it? Would you like to buy a fishing rod?

The lover agrees to pay the $50. price for the boys fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing. Son replies, Cant, dad; sold my fishing rod.

Dad says, That old thing? How much did you get for it?

When the son told him $50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and pulls the curtain closed. He says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

The priest replied, Oh no, were not going through that again!

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

Two [ethnics] both worked in the airport, Toronto, filling up the
planes with gas. They had been doing this for a number of
years.

One day,Mike shouted over to Jim, who was away over on
the other wing. Jim, some of the gas splashed me and I have
found that it has the flavor of our [ethnic] screech, try it!

He does, and yells back, Lets take some in our thermoses!

So they filled their thermoses and shortly went home.

After a couple of hours,
Mike phoned his buddy, to ask how he was doing with the
booze?

He replied Fantastic, Mike

Mike then warned Jim,
What ever you do, dont fart! Im phoning you from Calgary!

Yo mama so dumb that on a registration sheet for sex she put Yes, please.

Visitors from a strange land where coffee doesnt cost five dollars
Victims
Gator bait
Walking ATM machines
The people who brought you George W. Bush
Taxi roadkill
Witnesses
Senator Clinton
Annoying weirdos who dont speak any English (… sorry, thats what tourists call New Yorkers)
Mr. Im-too-good-to-take-a-leak-on-the-subway

MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.