Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, Im gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down. And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pigs house and said Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!! So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Then the wolf showed up and said, Im gonna huff and puff and blow your house down! And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses down and were scared!!! So the brick pig let them in.
The wolf caught up with them and said Im gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down. While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend.
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolfs mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, Who the hell were those guys?
And the brick pig said Oh, those are my cousins …the Guinea Pigs.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his male
coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker
to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about
his sudden change in fashion sense.
Bob, I didnt know you were into earrings. Oh, yeah,
sure, says Bob sheepishly. Really? How long have you been
wearing one? Ever since my wife found it in our bed.
Why cant they teach Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day at Mississippi State?
They might wear out the mule
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
down.
Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?
The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never heard. You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!
The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal.
The hobo was ecstatic! Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you! So the owner said, OK, go around back. Youll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and youll have a meal. The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.
About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. Now dont you feel better, he said. Yes! said the hobo. Im a new man!
OK, said the owner, come in and have some lunch. The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.
As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, Oh, by the way, that wasnt a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari.
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that
the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time–unless I
install handrails or safety straps.
As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and
wait your turn.
Thank You.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zubin!
Zubin who?
Zubin eating garlic again!
Pepito estaba corriendo en bicicleta y la bicicleta chirriaba. El papá le gritó:
¡Pepito, échale Tres en Uno! (aceite).
Pepito le echó Tres en Uno y la bicicleta dejó de chirriar.
Por la noche el papá estaba haciendo el amor con la mamá de Pepito, y la cama chirriaba. Pepito desde su cuarto le gritó al papá:
¡Papá, échale Tres en Uno!
A lo que el papá le contestó:
¿Cómo le voy a echar tres, si uno casi no puedo?
Aconteció que en Cuba habÃan capturado y matado al jefe de la guerrilla conocido como el Gallo Valencia, quien intentaba sacar a Fidel Castro del gobierno. Como necesitaban a alguien que lo identificara, mandaron a buscar a la ya conocida amante del guerrillero.
La concubina llega a la morgue y le muestran el cuerpo del muerto. Fidel le pregunta: ¿Es éste el Gallo Valencia?
Ella responde: Como que se le parece, pero ¿podrÃa quitarle la ropa?
Fidel manda que se desvista al difunto y pregunta de nuevo: ¿Es éste el Gallo Valencia?
Y de nueva cuenta la amante contesta: Efectivamente se le parece mucho, pero necesito que le quiten los calzones.
Fidel ordena al capitán que le quiten los calzones al muertito, y vuelve a cuestionar: ¿Es éste el Gallo Valencia?
La mujer declara: Muy, muy parecido; pero para salir de dudas, ¿le pueden bajar el pellejo del pito para estar segura?.
Asà lo ordena Fidel, y el capitán procede a bajarle el prepucio al finado. En ese momento la amante grita:
¡Es él, éste sà que es el Gallo Valencia!
Fidel encabronado le pregunta a la mujer: ¿Cómo supiste que éste era el Gallo Valencia?
Es que él me dijo que, aún después de muerto, Fidel y sus soldados le seguirÃan pelando la verga.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alec!
Alec who?
Alec-tricity. Isnt that a shock!