Old and New Jokes

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

All the couples agreed and then came back at the end of the two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The old man replies, No problem at all! Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to the church!

The pastor then goes to the middle aged couple and asks, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?

The man replied, The first week was not too bad but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

Congratulations! Welcome to the church, said the pastor.

The pastor finally goes to the young newlywed couple and asks, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?

No, pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied.

What happened? asked the pastor.

My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.

You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, admonished the pastor.

Thats OK, said the young man, Were not welcome at the grocery store either!

You Know Youre in New York City When…

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.

2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.

3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, Ack. More damned aliens.

4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.

5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.

6. You pass a convenience store advertising Free green cards, no questions asked.

7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.

8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.

9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.

10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizens car in front of you reads, Warning: I break for pedestrians.

A womans most important men:

Who are the most important men in women’s life:

The Doctor because he says take your clothes off.
The Dentist because he says open wide.
The Milkman because he says do you want it in front or back.
The Hair Dresser because he says do you want it teased or blown.
The Interior Designer because he says once it is in you will love it.
The Banker because he says if you take it out too soon youll loose interest.

There was a white guy a black guy and an aggie, The white guy said If I have pizza for lunch one more time i am going to kill myself The black guy saidIf I have corndogs

for lunch one more time I am going to kill myself Then the aggie said if I have a ham sandwitch one more time I am going to kill myself Next Day The white guy looked in his lunch box the went and shot himself. the black guy looked in his lunch box and then shot himself. the aggie looked in his lunchbox and then went and shothimself.



Later that day the police told their wifes the white guys wife said he should of just asked for something diffrent the black guys wife said the samething the aggies wife said I dont know why he shot himself he makes his own lunch!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. 😉

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fiddlesticks!
Fiddlesticks?
Fiddlesticks (Feetll stick) out if the blanket is too short!

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks, Guys!

A2: Are you boys all in the same band?

A3: Do you guys all play for the (team name)?

A4: Who were all those guys?

Dear God,

Please grant me patience – NOW!

The 2000 Darwin awards!

First Runner Up Award goes to …

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything, the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pat!
Pat who?
Pat yourself on the back!