Old and New Jokes

Un tipo va al motel con su novia y ve en el estacionamiento el auto de su mejor amigo. Era mediodía y el amigo debería estar trabajando. Para hacerle una broma, le quita un tapón de una de las llantas del coche y se lo lleva.

Esa misma noche va a casa de su amigo, toca el timbre y dice:

¡Mira lo que tengo!

Sí, le contesta el amigo, el tapón de la llanta del coche ¿De dónde lo sacaste?

Bajando sensiblemente el tono de voz el tipo le replica:

No te hagas pendejo. ¿Qué hacías hoy al mediodía en el motel?

El amigo se queda un instante callado, gira hacia adentro de la casa y grita:

¡Querida… acá está el tapón que te robaron hoy en el supermercado!

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

¿Cuál es tu nombre, hijo?

Soy Bond, James Bond.

Sí, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aquí lo tienes que demostrar.

¿Qué desea que haga?

Mira, déjame aquí en la puerta una identificación y pásale a buscar a Adán; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond.

Pasan unos minutos y éste llega con Adán de la mano.

Bueno, aquí tiene a Adán.

¿Cómo lo encontraste entre tantos?, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

Muy fácil, sólo busqué al único hombre que no tiene ombligo, le responde con su típica flema inglesa.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Adán al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Adán:

Aquí está de nuevo.

¡Puta, hijo! ¿Cómo le hiciste?

Fue muy sencillo, busqué a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Adán.

Tienes razón, fue muy sencillo… es más, no cuenta.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Adán, y los mete en un cuarto en el que únicamente se podían ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Adán a un lado.

Aquí está Adán de nuevo, ¿ahora sí puedo pasar?

¡Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada más dime: ¿cómo le hiciste para encontrarlo?

Muy fácil, entré al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: ¡Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El único que no brincó a golpearme fue él.

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank managers favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.

The last two minutes of a football game.

Dolly Parton and Princess Di both died, and found themselves at the pearly
gates.

Dolly Parton knocked, and in a moment, Saint Peter arrived.
He looked at them both, and told them that he could only let one in,
because heaven was getting a little crowded.
So, he gave them both one chance to convince him to let them in.

Dolly Parton lifted up her top, and showed Saint Peter the biggest and
most impressive set of tits hed ever seen.

Princess Di thought for a while on how to top that one, then all of a
sudden, squatted by Saint Peter and pissed on his feet.

He said nothing, but opened the gates and let Princess Di through.

Dolly was pissed off about this, and screamed Ã’Why did you let her in?
I just showed you the most impressive tits youÕve ever seen, and she
just pissed on your feet?!Ó
to which he replied A royal flush always beats two of a kind.

Q. Why was the blonde smiling during the lighting storm.

A. She thought she was getting her picture taken.

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out 🙂

1: Reply to everything someone says with, thats what YOU think!

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.

(This one is especially useful if youre having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask – are you sure?

(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying blah, blah, blah, blah.

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now. If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast 🙂

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TVs so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what youre doing, insist that you like it that way.

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off – plus 20 points.

B: They wave at you – minus 10 points.

C: No reaction or blank stare – minus 10 points.

D: They trip or run into something while staring – plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus hed even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.

So Reggie announced to the world that hed pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air.

Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: Is it true that youll pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?

Yes, Reggie said, but youve got to pay one hundred dollars to try.

The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to he car and took out a metal club. Then he walked behind the elephant and swung hard, hitting the elephant smack on the balls. The elephant let out a roar and flew up into the air.

After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was very depressed. Hed only taken in eight thousand dollars and now hed not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.

Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He knew that elephants could move their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move from side to side. So he announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant move his head from side to side. However, each person who wanted to try had to pay one hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They paid their hundred and they tried, but, of course, none succeeded.

Then just when things were going well, a familiar blue convertible drove up and the little man came out. He addressed Reggie: Is it true that youll pay me ten thousand dollars if I can make your elephant move his head from side to side?

Yes, said Reggie, but youve got to pay a hundred dollars to try.

The little man handed Reggie the hundred dollars. Then he returned to his car and took out his metal club. He walked up to the elephant.

Do you remember me? he asked.

The elephant nodded by shaking his head up and down.

Do you want me to do it again?

The elephant quickly shook his head … Noooo!