Why does it take two cops to arrest a Mexican?

It takes one to write the ticket, and one to hold the oranges.

Has someone told you a joke that you find isnt very funny? Do the following and it should be much more interesting:1) Eat nothing but candy for the next two days. Chocolate and marshmallows work best.
2) Take a caffeine pill every 4-6 hours. Do not swallow with water, use pink lemonade.
3) Search the internet for pictures of penguins, monkeys, platypuses, or other amusing animals.
4) Make a recording of several coffee grinders on at once.
5) After being hopped up on sugar and cocaine, lock yourself in a bright room and play your tape of coffee grinders. Start this at noon.
6) At 7:00 the next morning (Dont fall asleep!) Have someone repeat the joke that you found to not be funny. Also, make them dress up like the amusing animal you found pictures of.
7)Now, you should be so tired and so hopped up on sugar and caffeine that your friends joke will be funny. Heck, this joke might even me funny!:-)

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words defeat, deduct, defense, and detail. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Im just driving this way to tick you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
Keep honking, Im reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.
Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.

Received from William Conway.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0
marketing name: Fiancee 1.0. Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0
and its a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be
running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0
came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features Id
like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0…

A Dont remind me again button

Minimize button

Shutdown feature

An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you dont lose cache and other objects)

A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they
tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall
GirlFriend 1.0 but it didnt have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall
it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with
all versions of GirlFriend that Ive used is that it is totally object
oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.

Your hair is so black and dirty, you should wash it sometimes.

I heard this joke from my husband.

Q: Honey, would you still love me if I were burned beyond all recognition?

A: Id love you MORE!

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, Who wrote this?!!

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, Why is this knight different from all other knights?

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?


A: So we can Seder right words.

Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?


A: A matzochist.

This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. Whats a commandment? they asked. Well, its like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, No way, that would ruin our weekends.

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, Whats a commandment? Well, said G-d, Its like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. The Assyrians immediately replied, No way. That would ruin our economy.

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, How much? G-d said, Theyre free.

The Jews said, Great! Well take TEN!

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldnt even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news.

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs

You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust.

You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaohs army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.

Moses was stunned. He stammered, Thats…. thats fantastic. I cant believe it! — But whats the bad news?

You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists have been operating in New Orleans, Louisiana. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 had been detained.

The Police Superintendent stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gladys!
Gladys who!
Gladys the weekend, arent you!