Old and New Jokes

Q….

OK, theres a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?

A….

The brunette, because the other two dont exist!

Sung to the tune of Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O…oh Day-O,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Run Mr Taliban, we know where youre hiding,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Hey USA, USA, USA…

Air force come and they flatten you home

60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,

Air force come and they flatten your home

Old Uncle Sams pissed, he aint no quitter,

Air force come and they flatten your home

When we finish you all be crying,

Air force come and they flatten your home,

Pilot is brother of New York fireman

Air force come and they flatten your home

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the door and said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The woman piped up and said, His name is Ross and he is my son. She continued, He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him. The bus driver replied, No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror.

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The little boy replied, My name is Lester Cleese.

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied: Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.

Screen – What is a must during black fly season

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?
A: His specialty was histerectograms.

The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

A: An Italian suppository.

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

Guess who sent them.

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: Now you know!

Dear Santa:

Ive been a good mom all year. Ive fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctors office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughters girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my sons red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when Ill find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

Id like a pair of legs that dont ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that dont flap in the breeze but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. Id also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If youre hauling big ticket items this year Id like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesnt broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, Yes, Mommy to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who dont fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, Dont eat in the living room and Take your hands off your brother, because my voice seems to be just out of my childrens hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please dont forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colours and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the in-laws house seem just like mine. If its too late to find any of these products, Id settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you dont mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didnt look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you dont catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but dont eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always … Mom.

P.S. – One more thing … you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.