A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.Then he said: Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.The first asked, What did you do there?To which the other replied, I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.
03
Sep
03
Sep
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
03
Sep
Four guys are standing on a street corner…an American, a Russian, a Chinese man, and an Israeli…
A news reporter comes up to the group and says to them:
Excuse me…Whats your opinion on the meat shortage?
The American says: Whats a shortage?
The Russian says: Whats meat?
The Chinese man says: Whats an opinion?
The Israeli says: Whats Excuse me?…..
03
Sep
You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!
03
Sep
The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and hed do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?
03
Sep
Im sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I cant die today! I WONT die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I dont want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?" The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. "I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said… "Iron this!"
03
Sep
A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed. He instructed his wife to fill two large pillowcases with money thinking he could pick them up on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after his funeral the widow found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic.
The old fool, she thought, I knew I should have left them in the basement!
03
Sep
Put some music in front of him.
03
Sep
Leroy is a 20 year-old inner-city 5th grader. This is Leroys homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. 1. Hotel –
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody. 2. Dictate –
My girlfriend say my dictate good. 3. Catacomb –
I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb. 4. Foreclose –
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 5. Rectum –
I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both. 6. Disappointment –
My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint. 7. Penis –
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 8. Israel –
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, man, it look fake. He say, *beep* that watch israel. 9 . Undermine –
Theres a fine lookin ho living in the apartment undermine. 10. Acoustic –
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic, and took me to the poolhall. 11. Iraq –
When we got to the poolhall, I tol my uncle; iraq, you break. 12 . Stain –
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, ! Do you plan on stain for dinner? 13. Fortify –
I axed this ho on da street, how much? she say fortify. 14. Income –
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife
03
Sep
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. This house is yours for eternity, Bobby, said God. This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo. Bobby looked at God and said God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me? God chuckled, and said Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!