Old and New Jokes

A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.

The rabbi explains: I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God.

The priest then adds: I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.

The televangelist then proclaims: I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take.

how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That you coffin?

A guy goes down south to be a farmer because its his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.

The clerk says, We dont call em roosters, we call em cocks.

Okay the man says. Ill take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.

We pronounce it rubbit says the clerk.

Okay, Ill take those two things and a mule to carry them home.

We dont call em mules, we call em asses and every time the ass stops walkin, just scratch behind his ear.

So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. Hes walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.

The man sees a lady passing by and asks, Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says she did.

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, its getting worse. Following last weeks news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dennis!
Dennis who?
Dennis says I need to have a tooth out!

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.