Old and New Jokes

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin,
I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, YO! Keep it down!

When what to my
Wanderin eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin reindeer.

Wit a bad hackin cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
… screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid says, Yeah.

The cop says, Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, By the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop says, Yeah, he sure did.

The kid says, Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horses brain instead of on his back.

Una señora que estaba cumpliendo 85 años, muy admirada en el pueblo por ser la única profesora de órgano, recibe una llamada telefónica del cura del pueblo notificándole que pasaría a su casa por la tarde para darle la felicitación por su onomástico.

Cuando el padre llega a la casa de la anciana se da cuenta que sobre el órgano que tiene la viejita en la sala hay un jarrón de vidrio lleno de agua con un condón flotando. El sacerdote no puede creer lo que ve y trata de disimular su asombro ante la anciana.

Luego de un rato hablando sobre todo lo que la mujer ha hecho en 85 años de vida y haberse tomado dos cafecitos, el clérigo sigue atónito de ver el condón flotando en la jarra de vidrio, así que no aguanta más y decide salir de su curiosidad, y con trabajo le pregunta:

Perdona, hija, pero, ¿me podrías explicar qué es eso? (Apuntando al jarrón).

Ah, claro que sí, eso es algo maravilloso que me encontré hace diez años. Recuerdo que paseando por el pueblo, de pronto vi un sobrecito en el piso que decía en letras muy pequeñas: Colóquelo sobre el órgano, manténgalo húmedo y prevendrá cualquier enfermedad. Y desde entonces, no lo va a creer, pero ni resfriados me han dado…

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.



The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dogs mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dogs mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since its closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.



So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.



The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.



Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on.



The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.



They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!



Theres no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.



The butcher runs up and stops the guy. What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Gods sake!



To which the guy responds, Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week hes forgotten his key!

99 little bugs in the code,

99 bugs in the code,

fix one bug, compile it again,

101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code,….



> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and hes lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?

The parrot says With my prick, you dummy.



The guy is startled and says You certainly talk well for a parrot.



The parrot says Of course, Im a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish. The guy says Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.



The parrot says Theres not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me Ill bet hell sell me.



The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the Bulls won, the Cubs lost, the Pope did so and so.



One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says Come in and shut the door.



The guy says Whats up?



The parrot says I dont know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.



The guy says Oh, A momentary flight of passion.



The parrot says Then he fondled her breasts.



The guy says He did??



The parrot says Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.



The guy says My God, what happened next?!?



The parrot says I dont know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Please dont send me no more creeps.

Please just send me one good man.

One without a wedding band.



One good man whos sweet as pie.

Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie.

Who dresses neat and doesnt smell.

And is sexy like my man Denzel.

Is super-rich like Michael J.

On second thought, thats okay.



Man, if I should die before I wake,

that would truly take the cake;

No matrimony or honeymoon.

No fancy reception planned for June.

No throwing of the wedding bouquet.

Please, God, dont let me go out that way.

If I die before I meet Mr. Right

I wont go out without a fight.

But then again with my luck,

Hed probably be just some schmuck.



The single life is not that bad

I know its just a passing fad.

I wont be blue. I will not frown.

Besides, I like my toilet seat down.

No more makeup, wont comb my hair.

So never mind this stupid prayer.



The single life will do just fine.

So whats up, girlfriend?

ITS PARTY TIME!!!!

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, There is really no justice in the world.

The other little old lady says, What do you mean by that?

The first little old lady says, Look at that – When I was 20 – I was curious about it. When I was 30 – I enjoyed it. When I was 40 – I asked for it. When I was 50 – I paid for it. When I was 60 – I prayed for it. When I was 70 – I forgot about it. Now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat!

Supposedly a true story… [Ed: But reportedly from the movie, From the Hip]

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is
guilty and that it looks like hell probably be convicted, resorts to a clever
trick.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer
says as he looks at his watch. Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this court room, he says and he looks toward the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute
passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty.

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a
verdict of guilty.

But how? inquires the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door.

Answers the representative: Oh, we did look. But your client didnt.

Esta era una vez una fiesta de puntos, y éstos estaban bien entrados bailando y chupando. En eso, tocan a la puerta. El punto dueño de la casa corre a abrir y cuál fue su sorpresa al ver que quién llamaba era un asterisco. Sorprendido, el punto le pregunta:

¿Qué haces aquí? ¡Ésta es una fiesta de puntos!

Soy un punto, nada más que en el camino me despeine, responde el asterisco.