One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Youre able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach in knots. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. Youve had
4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke — yet you havent peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You cant speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide
the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the
ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even
your hair hurts.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
aftertaste out. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You dont have the
foggiest idea who the stranger is who was passed out in your
bed this morning. Death sounds pretty good right about now.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Valles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft.
The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, bouncing several times before coming to a stop, deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Forces explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the other-worldly nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmys statements as evidence of an obvious government cover-up, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A man walked in to his physicians office, and asked to be castrated.
I beg your pardon? the doctor asked, slightly aghast.
Ive thought about this for a long time, and Ive decided I want to go through with it. The man says calmly.
You want to be castrated. The doctor said, stil not quite understanding.
Yes. Thats right. I want to be castrated.
The doctor tried to talk his patient out of the decision, but the man was adamant. He was unwaivering in his desire to be castrated. The doctor, seeing the man was resolute, sighed and put him in touch with a good plastic surgeon.
The surgeon was equally aghast, but after having the man sign a multitude of forms, agreed to perform the procedure.
The day of surgery arrived, and the man was in very good spirits. He was clearly looking forward to being castrated. Everyone was completely puzzled but as this clearly was what he wanted, they all shook their heads and went about the procedure as expertly as they could.
Afterward, the man was taken to recovery. The surgeon came to see him.
Well, everything went fine. There were no complications. However, I must say Ive never seen such a foreskin before. Im surprised you were never circumsized.
The man snapped his fingers. THATS the word!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, Since were married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I dont want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.
The groom replied, OK, honey cup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink…If I have only one drink, that means I dont want sex.
If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…your hair wont matter!
Posted in Love and marriage |
what kind of sand can you eat?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag?
What did you name the other one!!
Posted in Blonde |
Un tipo estaba triste porque su esposa era un témpano de hielo en la cama… y decide pedirle consejo a su compadre… Después de oir su problema, el compadre le contesta:
No sea menso compadre, mire para que su vieja se caliente, jálele los pelos de donde le platiqué y va a ver que luego luego se prende.
¿De veras compadre?
SÃ, compadre, seguro…
Un mes después se encuentran los compadres otra vez.
¿Qué pasó compadre, le resultó el remedio de darle sus jalones de pelos a su vieja.
Ay sÃ, compadrito, muchas gracias, le agradezco su buen consejo. Llegué a mi casa y le di su buena jalada de pelos a mi mujer y se puso pero bien caliente.
Ah, compadre pues me alegro por usted. Ahora sà a darle felizmente por el resto de sus dÃas compadrito.
No compadre, no es asà la cosa, lo vine a buscar para que me de otro remedio, porque ya nomás me quedan pelos para hoy y mañana…
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Posted in Business |
Two nuns decided to take a day off, and see how the other half lives. So they put on civilian clothes, and went to the big city. Since they didnt really know what to do, they decided to follow someone on the street, and do as he does.
After shopping for a while, the man they were following stopped at a hot dog stand in the street, and ordered a hot dog.
The nuns, never seeing a hot dog before, decided theyde try. The first nun, looked into the roll, and with the face of utter horror threw the hot dog away.
Turning to the other nun, she asked What part of the dog did *you* get?
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
Last night I made love to my wife four times, the Frenchman bragged, And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.
Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded, And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?
Once, he replied.
Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you this morning?
Dont stop.
Posted in General / Unsorted |