Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pick Pocket with a Peeping Tom?

A: A person who Watches Snatches!

Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs?
A: A high flyer.

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

I must say, says the executive, your work history is terrible. Youve been fired from every job.

Yes, says the man.

Well, continues the executive, theres not much positive in that.

Hey! says the guy as he pokes the application. At least Im not a quitter.

Familiarity breeds children.

Festivity Level One

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

Festivity Level Two

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing I Gotta Be Me.

Festivity Level Three

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to I Cant Get No Satisfaction.

Festivity Level Four

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally dont want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive.

If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they dont arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isnt you.

Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: Weve come in response to the complaints.

You: Complaints? It isnt about the drugs, is it?

Police: No, sir, not drugs.

You: The guns, then? Theyre complaining about the guns?

Police: No, sir. Its about the noise.

You: Oh, thats all right then. Cause there sure arent any guns or drugs here, heh heh.

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?

Police: No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas.

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: There, you see? Its winding down already.

Several Thanksgivings back, we were sitting in a hot tub enjoying the afterglow of a win by ATM over UT. This was the last joke I heard before the women were run out so that the men could tell real jokes. It has been eight years and this joke comes up at every subsequent gathering, and can hardly be told because the teller is laughing so hard.

Two guys were out for a weekend of hunting in the woods, and as night drew near they started back for the Old Log Inn where they were staying. They came to a fork in the road and didnt know which way to go.

So they decided to split up and each go looking to save time. Joe went down the road to the left and after walking a good ways he decided that the Old Log Inn wasnt this way so he turned back and went looking for Bob.

He was expecting to see Bob walking down the road, but instead found him in the ditch beaten up! It took a few minutes, but Bob was finally able to tell Joe what happened …

Bob had started down the other road, and had passed a parked car with a couple in it, he had continued on, but not finding the Old Log Inn, he decided to go back and ask the people in the car.

He stopped when he got there, knocked on the window and when the guy rolled it down, Bob asked Hey buddy, how far is the Old Log Inn???

They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.

"My wife is
a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts to eat."

~ Henny Youngman

En un día de verano, un tipo estaba frustrado porque no podía tener una erección, por lo que decide tomarse dos pastillas de Viagra. Éstas comienzan a surtir efecto:

Mi amor, vamos a hacer el amor.

Empiezan, y el hombre más efectivo que nunca, echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco… La esposa ya no puede más.

El marido, con su erección a mil por hora, decide buscar a la mujer de servicio de la casa:

Mire, vamos para el cuarto que tengo algo que decirle.

La mujer, extrañada, se dirige al cuarto y pregunta:

¿Qué quiere, jefe?

Nada, hacer el amor.

Y se le monta a la mujer. Empieza y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer demanda:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaa, no puedo más jefe.

El hombre, con su erección a mil por hora, busca entonces a la maestra de su hijo y empieza también y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer se desmaya en la cama.

El tipo, desesperado con la erección que no terminaba, decide llamar a un médico amigo suyo:

¿Aló, doctor?

Sí, dígame ¿qué desea?

Doctor, sabe que cometí un error porque estaba desesperado y me tomé dos pastillas de Viagra y la erección es muy fuerte y he hecho el amor unas 35 veces y no se baja, ¿qué puedo hacer? ¡Por favor, doctor, ayúdeme!

Bueno, mire, va a tomarse dos litros de leche de un solo trago; esto anula el efecto del Viagra, ¿me entendió?

Sí, doctor, dos litros de leche y se anula el efecto. Muchísimas gracias, doctor. Chao, nos vemos.

Chao, suerte.

El señor, muy respetuosamente, sigue las instrucciones y va hacia la nevera de su casa y saca el pote de dos litros de leche; se la empieza a tomar del pico de la botella y en eso, la esposa y la señora de servicio pasan por la cocina y, de lejos, ven al hombre tomándose la jarra de leche del pico de botella. La sirvienta le sugiere a su jefa:

Señora, corra, corra, corra que el señor se está recargando.

A blonde girl was eating Cheerios cereal one morning, and turned to her father and said, Look Daddy . . . doughnut seeds.